Previously on Seed of Doubt...





My daughter, Clark thought with absolute certainty. My daughter. All doubts vanished. My daughter.

He took the scissors when they were offered to him and snipped through the spongy umbilical cord precisely where the nurse directed him to. He glanced at the baby's stats on the warming table's computer display.

Seventeen inches. Four pounds. Six ounces. Eight forty-two PM.

Pure perfection.

"How does she look, Clark?" Lois called out.

"She's beautiful," he replied, spellbound.

The nurse swaddled the newborn and briefly showed her to Lois with a cheerful, "Here she is!"

"She's gorgeous," Lois breathed. "Can I hold her?"

"Only for a moment," the nurse said. "I need to get her over to the NICU."

"What? Why?" Lois asked, pure terror in her voice.

"At this age, her lungs are still immature, even though she's breathing on her own. We'll get her on extra oxygen to help with that." She laid the bundle of blankets containing the precious newborn on Lois' chest. "She also will probably need some help maintaining her temperature, so we'll keep her nice and toasty warm."

Clark wasn't sure if Lois was even hearing any of this. She was simply gazing into their daughter's tiny face and crying with what appeared to be unadulterated joy. She nuzzled the infant's nose with her own.

"I love you," he heard her whisper.

Then the nurse was taking the baby, placing her in an isolette, and whisking her away. Lois began to cry harder, the once silent tears now mixed with a bereaved moaning. Clark couldn't blame her. Having his daughter taken away to the NICU so swiftly after her birth ripped a hole right through his heart. The pain felt ever so similar to a Kryptonite blade stabbing him through the aching organ. It would be worse for Lois, he knew. She was a mother without her newborn in her arms.

And as for himself, he hadn't even gotten the chance to touch her, let alone hold her. Mentally, he kicked himself for not at least taking one finger to stroke her delicate cheek. He watched, frozen in place, as his brand new baby girl was wheeled away, torn in two as to if he should follow behind or stay with Lois.

A pained sob from Lois convinced him to stay put. She needed him. The nurses would ensure that their daughter was well taken care of. He once more reached for Lois' hand and she grabbed it with a death grip. He gave her a gentle squeeze as he forced himself to sit down again.

"I want her back," Lois sobbed.

"I do too," he confided. "But the nurses will take good care of her. They'll get her perfectly healthy so she can come home with us."

"Four seconds," Lois lamented. "I got to hold her for four seconds."

He wasn't sure what he could say to make her feel better, so he said nothing. He simply reached over and gently lifted away her tears with his index finger. She gave him a thankful, but watery, smile in return.

"Lois?" Dr. O'Malley said after a time. "You're all done. Wendy's going to bring you back to your room now."

"When can I see my daughter?" was her immediate response.

"Soon. You need to rest for a bit and then you should be able to go over to the NICU to see your baby."

"I don't want to rest."

That made Clark smile internally. That was the feisty Lois he'd fallen in love with.

Dr. O'Malley finally emerged from behind the partition, her pale yellow scrubs flecked with blood. "I know. But you have to also give the NICU staff some time to evaluate your daughter so they can address her specific needs."

"Fine," Lois replied, grudgingly.

Minutes later, Lois was back in her room. Wendy hooked up a bag to Lois' IV, explaining that the medication inside would help prevent seizures that were sometimes brought about by the preeclampsia. She was warned that it might make her feel ill. Clark could see that it didn't take long for Lois to start feeling the effects of it. Wendy gave him the okay to get Lois some cold water to sip, giving Lois a warning not to drink too fast. Lois sipped at first, then experimented with a larger swallow of water. Almost immediately, she threw it right back up into a basin that seemed to have materialized in Wendy's ready hands. Clark could do nothing more than to hold Lois' hair out of the way.

Once she was done, Wendy gave her a couple of pills to swallow to help with the pain. Lois eagerly swallowed them down, though she admitted to still feeling numb from the epidural. Wendy gave her one last check and then disappeared to her other duties, leaving the new parents alone in the room together.

Thus began the longest night of Clark's life.


***



After Lois fell into an exhausted sleep brought about by the stress to her body from the surgery, Clark pulled out the small couch in the room into a bed. He laid down and tried to rest, but his mind would not allow him to. He checked on Lois again, but with the new batch of painkillers in her system, it appeared that she might sleep for a while. He slipped out of the room and down to the lobby. He called his parents first, letting them know of their granddaughter's arrival. It was only then that he realized that he and Lois hadn't yet chosen a name for their little girl. Even without a name, however, Jonathan and Martha were thrilled by the news.

It was the hardest thing he'd ever had to ask of them when he asked them not to fly to Metropolis yet. He knew they wouldn't be allowed in the NICU, so, until the baby came home, there was no use in having them come in to the city. They understood, but Clark couldn't miss the disappointment, especially in his mother's voice.

He called Ellen next. He'd been dreading it, because of her assertive personality. He'd anticipated that she would try to bulldoze her way into the hospital to visit. When he spoke to her, however, she was uncharacteristically reserved. He supposed that, as a nurse, she knew how hard it was for a woman to recover from a C-section, as well as how restrictive the NICU was. It was the same with Sam, and again, Clark contributed it to the man's medical background, as well as the fact that he was in Cleveland at an important conference.

Surprisingly, it was Lucy who gave him the hardest time on the phone. It was all Clark could do to convince her not to grab the first cab she could and speed over to the hospital. He finished that phone call feeling weary deep down in his bones. But he could not yet rest. Perry needed to know of the new addition to the soon-to-be Kent family. The gruff old newsman had never sounded so excited to Clark's ears, even when the biggest news stories of the year were breaking. He gave Clark strict orders to use whatever time he and Lois needed while their daughter remained in the hospital, and then as they adjusted to life as a family of three once the baby was cleared to go home.

Clark called Jimmy last. After all, the man was one of his best friends - almost a brother to him in a lot of ways. It warmed Clark's heart to hear how thrilled Jimmy was. He offered to take pictures for them with his camera just as soon as they were ready and able to do so. Clark thanked him and promised that he would take Jimmy up on the offer. It would be nice to have some more professional photographs, other than just the ones had and Lois would snap on their own. He wondered how the few he'd been able to snap of their daughter before she'd been taken away had come out. He wished they could be developed already so that if Lois woke, she could see their baby right away, at least in some form or another.

By the time Clark finished making all of the necessary calls, he felt ready to drop. He ducked out of the hospital, found a secluded corner, and zoomed up into the sky. He punctured through the gathering clouds - it would rain before the night was out - and out past the last thin layer of the atmosphere to float suspended in space. Here, night and day did not exist. There was only an eternal sea of black hosting the weak light of innumerable stars. There was only the never ending glow of the life-giving sun, which fueled his body in ways that neither sleep nor food could. Of course, he knew he would have to sleep at some point, but right now, he didn't want to. He merely let himself hang there in space, not part of the stars and separate from the Earth, to absorb as much of the sunlight as he could until his lungs began to ache for want of air.

In the blink of an eye, he was back in that same secluded spot he'd used as a launching site. A light drizzle had begun, but the black, heavy clouds promised a real storm was to follow. He went back inside and found his way to the NICU, after checking to ensure that Lois was still peacefully sleeping. He stopped only to grab one item out of his hospital bag, then he was moving again, anxious to check in on his daughter.

"Come in," the nurse who was there tending to the babies said as she glimpsed Clark standing uncertainly in the doorway. She waved him forward with one hand as she checked an IV drip on a premature baby half the size of Clark's daughter. "I'm Vanessa Halaran, head of the NICU."

"I'm Clark Kent," he replied, coming up to stand alongside the wash station. He started to scrub clean to maintain as sterile an environment as possible for the benefit of the babies in the room. "My daughter is in here."

"Kent...Kent..." Vanessa said, thinking. She turned and pointed to one of the isolettes. "Ah, Baby Girl Kent. Right here."

"How is she doing?" Clark asked, drying his hands.

"She's pretty stable. Her oxygen stats are a little low, but nothing out of the ordinary for a thirty-five weeker. And she's pretty dependent on us right now to control her body temperature. But she's a fighter, I'll give her that."

That was more than just a relief to Clark's ears. "How long do you think...?" was all he could muster.

The dark skinned nurse shrugged. "That's up to her. I've seen babies her age and close to her status leave in as little as a week."

"A week." Clark's heart sunk.

"I know it sounds like a long time," the nurse said sympathetically touching his shoulder. "Would you like to hold her?"

"Can I?" he asked, hope flooding his heart. If he could hold his daughter outside of the isolette, then surely things couldn't be too bad.

"Absolutely. It's good for the both of you. Just sit right here in this rocker and I'll hand her to you, okay?"

"Okay."

Vanessa carefully extracted the baby from the isolette, gently moving the wires monitoring her heart, temperature, and the tiny tubes delivering oxygen into her delicate nostrils. Clark was ready when Vanessa tenderly laid the girl in his arms. She then covered the two with a mint green blanket that appeared to be hand-knitted. Clark nodded his thanks, but couldn't tear his eyes away from the newborn in his arms. He was completely mesmerized as he gazed down upon that perfect face.

The baby mewled a cry only once as she was shifted, then went back to her peaceful sleep. Her comfort at being in her father's arms seemed to rub off on Clark, and he felt himself growing more at ease in turn. It was the first time in hours that he felt as peaceful as he now did.

"Are you comfortable?" the nurse asked.

"Yes. Thank you, Ms. Halaran."

"Vanessa, please."

"Vanessa," he replied, nodding absently.

"You just let me know if you need to put her down, okay?"

"Will do."

Vanessa nodded and went back to her task of checking on each of the other babies in the room. At this hour, Clark was almost totally alone, except for one Asian couple standing vigil over an isolette in the far corner of the room. He began to rock in the chair and speak in a low, soft voice to the precious baby in his arms.

"Hi there, little girl," he said. It was weird for him not to have a name yet to pair with her face. "I'm your daddy. Your mom and I have been waiting a long time to meet you. And you don't know it yet, but we love you more than anything in this whole world. I love you. I'm sorry that I ever doubted that I could really feel like your dad. But my father, your grandfather, was right. All I had to do was take one look at you. There's no question in my heart anymore. I love you and I will spend the rest of my life making sure that you are safe and happy. I promise you that."

He placed a light kiss on the girl's forehead. She was clean and smelled faintly of baby wash.

"You have to fight to get better, okay, sweetie? Your mom and I want you home with us as soon as possible. You're going to love your house. And your room? Your mother spent hours getting it just right for you. I hope you like teddy bears. Speaking of," he said, holding up the item he'd taken from his bedroom weeks before, "this is for you."

The old stuffed bear was patched and worn in places. His tan fur had faded with age but had never lost its softness. The button eyes it had once boasted, however, had long since been replaced with the shiny black eyes that most stuffed animals seemed to own. His smile was a bit crooked, the thread that created it no longer as taut as it had once been. Clark thought that the toy, while not as attractive as most new stuffed animals, looked well loved and in good shape for its age.

"This was my bear, when I was a kid," Clark informed his sleeping daughter. "My dad gave it to me, the night he and my mother found me. It was his as a kid, given to him by his father, whose mother made it when she found out that she was going to have a baby. He's old, this bear, but he's got a lot of history to him. And now he's yours - a little friend to watch over you here in the NICU and always."

The baby made no response, save for a little sigh in her sleep. Clark luxuriated in the sound of her breath as she breathed in and out. He honed in his hearing and listened to the beating of her heart, a sound he had long since become intimately familiar with, ever since Lois had told him that they would be having a baby together.

For a long while, Clark silently rocked his child, until the monitors started to beep. Vanessa all but materialized out of nowhere to check on the baby. She told Clark that the girl needed to go back into the isolette as her temperature had dipped slightly, and that she needed the benefit of the warming lights. Clark reluctantly let the woman take his daughter, feeling bereft as soon as the baby was out of his arms.

Still, there was one upside to having his daughter back in her isolette. Despite the sunlight he'd been able to soak up earlier, he was growing weary once more. He trudged back down the hall to Lois' room, fluffed the pillow on the couch-bed as best he could, and laid down. As soon as he was stretched out, a call for help reached his ears. He sat up, alert now, listening intently. It was a car fire, but seemed well in hand, as the fire fighters had already arrived on the scene and the vehicle's occupants had already been rescued. Clark severed the connection and laid his head back down on the flat hospital pillow. If ever there had been a night when Superman had deserved a night off, this was it.

He was asleep in moments.

He wasn't sure how long he drifted in that black void which seemed to exist outside of time and memory. It couldn't have been too long, he thought, as the world crashed in around him as he woke. His weary eyes creaked open, his vision still fuzzy as they tried to focus. For a few heart stopping moments, he wasn't sure where he was. Then, as he saw Lois in the hospital bed, it all came rushing back to him. He was at Metropolis General. Lois had given birth to their daughter, but the baby was in the NICU.

He pushed himself up to sit and pulled his glasses off to rub the sleep out of his eyes. He yawned as he put them back on.

"Lois?" he called softly in the darkened room, lit with only the barest light possible. "Honey? What's wrong?"

Outside, the storm clouds he'd flown through earlier were dumping their heavy load of rain down upon the city with vengeance. Lightning flickered out beyond the windows and thunder rumbled, a low, rolling sound that seemed to go on forever.

"Clark? I'm okay," Lois said, her voice conveying anything but the fact that she was okay.

"No, you're not," Clark said, going to her side. "What's wrong?"

Lois shifted and winced. "Well, okay, my pain meds might have worn off."

"I'll get one of the nurses," Clark promised, already half way out of the door. "I'll be back in a minute."

"Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere," Lois said. Clark could imagine her looking with disgust at the IV lines that were keeping her tethered to the bed.

Lois' room was right near the nurses' station, so Clark didn't have to go far. A heavy set nurse with a pleasant smile greeted him as he stepped up to the desk. He informed her that Lois' pain management medications had worn off, and she promised to check the chart and be there with more pills in a few minutes. Clark thanked the woman and hurried back to Lois' room.

He found Lois attempting to pump milk for their daughter, since she could not yet go to the NICU to nurse her. He sat in the chair next to the bed, respectfully casting his eyes down at his hands, which lay folded in his lap. If Lois noticed, she didn't say anything.

A few minutes later, as promised, the nurse came into the room, a small paper cup of water in one hand and another with a couple of pills in it in the other. She helped Lois take the pills.

"Thanks," Lois said, swallowing down the rest of the water.

"You're welcome, sugar," the nurse said in a soft southern drawl. "Just let me know when you're done pumping, and I'll make sure it gets down to the NICU, okay?"

"Okay," Lois agreed.

The nurse shut the door behind her as she left them alone. Clark continued to study his hands, giving Lois some privacy. He thought about leaving to give her some time alone to pump, but somehow, he felt that it was more important that he stay.

"Julia," Lois said suddenly, breaking the fragile silence of the room.

Clark had been almost half dozing when she spoke, but was instantly pulled to full wakefulness. "Huh?" His head snapped up to look at her.

"I've been thinking. She looks like a Julia to me," Lois said. "Not that I got to see her for long. What do you think?"

Julia. The name had never come up in conversation. He turned the name over in his mind.

"Julia Kent," he mused. "I like it."

"Do you really?"

"Of course I do. It's a beautiful name," Clark said. "What made you think of it?"

"I'm not sure," she said, with a shake of her head. "It just sort of popped into my mind just now as I was thinking about her."

"Julia," Clark said in affirmation.

"Julia Rose," Lois said. They had long since agreed on the middle name, which was Lois' beloved but deceased grandmother's middle name.

"Julia Rose," Clark echoed. It somehow just seemed right. "Julia Rose Kent. I love it."

"I wish I could hold her," Lois said in a voice so soft Clark nearly missed it, after a few minutes of silence. "Do we even know how she's doing?"

"I checked in on her a little earlier," Clark said. "She's doing great. The head nurse in the NICU...Vanessa...I think you'll like her. She let me hold Julia for a little bit." He cast his eyes downward again, ashamed, somehow, that'd he'd been able to hold the baby while Lois hadn't had more than a few seconds with her yet.

"Good," Lois said contentedly. "She needs to know someone is there for her."

"You're not mad?" Clark asked before he could stop himself.

Lois smiled tiredly. "No. I'm happy you got the chance to start bonding with her." She reached out for his hand. He stood, moved to the bed, sat down, and entwined her fingers with his. "We're in this together."

"Always," he vowed.

"She couldn't have a better daddy," Lois said, setting the breast pump aside.

"And the best mommy," he replied, stretching to give her a light, fast kiss on the lips. "Thank you, Lois, for giving me such a beautiful little daughter. She's just absolutely perfect."

"It's pretty amazing, isn't it? What we've managed to bring into this world," Lois said, leaning back against the pillows.

Clark nodded, once more ignoring Lois' misplaced insistence that he had a chance of being Julia's biological father. "Yeah," he said instead.

"I should make some calls," Lois said suddenly.

Clark stilled her with a shake of his head. "Lois, it's five in the morning. Besides, I made some calls after you fell asleep."

"You did?" She looked surprised. "And my mom didn't rush over here while she was still on the phone with you?"

"She wanted to, but I made it very clear that you needed to rest and the baby was in the NICU. She's a nurse, Lois. She understood the situation. Your father as well."

"Good," she said, stifling a yawn.

"Get some sleep," Clark said, affectionately cupping her cheek in his free hand. "You've been through major surgery. Julia's going to need you to be nice and rested when you see her. And I promise, you will be seeing her soon."

"The milk..." Lois protested.

"I'll take care of it. You have your very own, personal servant in me, remember?"

"It's always been that way, hasn't it? You've always done so much for me."

Clark shrugged. "I've never really thought about it. I just like doing things for you. It makes me happy to make you happy. Now, sleep. You need it."

"What about you?"

He nodded. "I'm going to try to get a few more hours too."

"Good."

She snuggled back down into her pillows as she pressed the button on the bed to recline as far as she could go. In moments, Clark heard her breathing even out in sleep. He took the small amount of milk that Lois had been able to pump and brought it to the nurses' station, where he spoke to the same woman he had earlier. She assured him that the milk would be brought immediately over to their daughter for her next feeding.

Then Clark was ducking back into Lois' room. He lay on the pull-out bed and closed his eyes. This time, sleep took a little longer to find him, but when it did, he dreamed of holding his little girl, though in his dreams, she was free from the wires that tethered her to the isolette she currently slept in.


***


"Lois?" called a voice as a knock sounded on the door. A nurse poked her head in as Lois replied that she could enter. "Are you ready to be taken off the IV?"

"God, yes," Lois said, holding her arm out to one side. "I hate needles as it is. Having them in my arm for this long has been driving me nuts."

The nurse chuckled. Clark thought her name might have been Leila. "Oh, I'm right there with you. I don't like them either." She checked the bags hanging from the IV pole, made a note in the chart she carried, then stopped the machine which regulated the drip. "You might want to look away for this," she warned Lois. Lois dutifully swung her head around to study the wall opposite of where Leila was standing. Clark smelled the sharp tang of Lois' blood as the needle came away from her flesh and the sticky red blood bubbled up in the wound. "There we go. All set," Leila said, pressing a bandage down to cover the puncture wound where the needle had been. "Now for the catheter." She moved down to remove the catheter from Lois.

"Can I get out of bed now?" Lois asked anxiously as the tubing came away from her body.

Leila nodded. "It's important that you do. But take it easy. I suggest a shower, just so you feel refreshed and because it's really hard to over exert yourself doing so."

"But my daughter..."

Leila smiled as she checked her chart again. "Your daughter is actually being checked by the doctor right now and having a hearing test done. Don't worry, nothing's wrong. It's just standard. So, you have some time right now. Trust me. The shower helps. I've had two kids of my own and have always felt like that post-birth shower made me feel human again."

"Okay," Lois relented. "But, could you let me know as soon as I can see Julia?"

"I promise."

Lois nodded and Leila left the room. Clark helped Lois out of the bed, noticing how stiff and deliberate her movements were as she adjusted to the discomfort of moving after surgery. She left go of his arm once she was standing, then slowly made her way into the bathroom. Clark sat on the foot of the bed and flipped through the channels on the television while he waited for Lois to do what she needed to do.

She emerged from the bathroom sooner than he would have thought possible, given the way she'd been moving before. She was clad now in soft pink pajamas and nearly matching slippers. Her hair was dry and Clark vaguely remembered hearing the sounds of a hairdryer while he'd attempted to lose himself to the movie he'd been watching. Lois gave him a smile, which he returned, before gingerly lowering herself to sit alongside him.

"Feel better?" he asked.

"I hate to admit it, but she was right. I do feel more human than I did last night." She sighed and Clark put his arm around her. "I hate this. This...not being in control. This...not being able to just get up and go see my daughter."

"I know, Lois. I feel the same way. I'm the strongest man on the planet. I have all of these abilities. But there's nothing I can do to improve the situation. I hate it too."

A knock sounded at the door. It was the nurse, smiling from ear to ear.

"Ready to go see your baby girl?" she asked brightly.

"More than you know," Lois replied, already pushing herself off the bed, sucking in a sharp intake of breath as she moved.

"I know the way," Clark said, when it appeared Leila would be escorting them. He just wanted to be alone with Lois.

Leila nodded. "I'll be around until noon if you need anything."

Clark slowed his pace considerably as he and Lois walked down the hallway toward the NICU. Lois' steps were slow and measured. It seemed that she had a limited range of motion from all the fluids that still lay pooled in her legs. Clark knew from what he'd read that the swelling would be worse from all of the IV fluids she'd been getting. He knew also that it could take a week or two before the swelling finally subsided.

"Are you okay?" he asked in a soft voice as they walked.

Lois nodded. "It feels good to be up and moving, even if it isn't the most comfortable thing between my swollen legs and the stinging in my incision. I just want to see Julia."

"Well, that's good. Because we're right here." He came to a halt and jerked a thumb at the door on the right-hand wall.

They entered the NICU and a reverent silence immediately blanketed them. Clark brought Lois to the sink where they scrubbed clean. Vanessa surprised Clark by still being in the NICU after so many hours. He wondered briefly if she'd managed to get any sleep.

"She's over here," he whispered to Lois, even as Vanessa threaded her way through the isolettes to be near them.

Lois peered through the clear plastic box that housed their daughter. "She really is perfect," she said in awe.

"Just like her mom," Clark replied, smiling down on the baby. "Vanessa, this is Lois. Lois, Vanessa," he said, introducing the two as Vanessa finally reached their side.

"Pleased to meet you," Vanessa said with a genuine smile.

"Can I hold her?" Lois asked eagerly. "I mean, it's nice to meet you too. Clark told me that you two spoke during the night. Can I hold her?" she repeated in a pleading voice.

"We did, and yes, you can. Come, sit here. Good. Now, open up the buttons on your shirt."

"Why?" Lois asked, though her fingers immediately began to obey the nurse.

"We call it skin-to-skin. Sometimes, we see it help stabilize a baby's heart rate, or temperature, or just become overall soothed."

"Oh," Lois said, a bit abashed, as though she should have known that.

"Here now. Come on, little one. Your mommy is here. Oh, oh, ssh now," she crooned to the baby. "Here we go. Ready, Mommy?"

"You have no idea," Lois said with a smile, her arms outstretched to receive her daughter.

Vanessa laid the child in Lois' arms, and Lois instantly pulled the girl to her chest, careful of the wires that trailed along with Julia. Once she was satisfied with Julia's placement against her mother's heartbeat, Vanessa covered Lois with the same mint green blanket Clark had used during the night. As if in response, Julia cracked open one eye, yawned, then closed her eye again.

"Clark! Did you see that?" Lois asked excitedly.

"I did," he told her.

"Oh, Julia," Lois whispered to the baby, kissing her head. "Mommy's here now. I'm so sorry I couldn't be with you sooner. But I'm here now. I love you so much, baby girl." Clark just watched as mother and daughter were finally reunited. He could see the tears welled up in Lois' eyes. "Mommy is so glad you're here. Daddy and I have been waiting a long time to meet you. Yes we have." Clark marveled at the sing-song aspect to Lois' voice. He'd never heard anything close to it before. "And we love you so, so much. We can't wait to take you home with us. So, please, fight hard so you can come home with us. There are so many people who can't wait to meet you. Two grandmas, two grandpas, an aunt, and a whole bunch of other people who are probably going to call themselves your aunt or uncle, like Jimmy and Perry." She sighed and rocked. "I know you don't have any idea what I'm saying, but believe me, you are such a lucky little girl to have so many people who already love you."

Lois looked up at Clark and smiled. He smiled back, his heart nearly bursting from the pride and love he felt. He was a father.

"Your mom is right," he told the baby. "You are a pretty lucky kid. And so, so loved."

The baby yawned then put a hand to her mouth as she cried. Lois immediately looked back down, then questioningly at Vanessa, who had looked over at the sound.

"Would you like to try nursing her?" the nurse asked.

Lois nodded and automatically shifted the baby in her arms, trying to get her into a comfortable position. Clark averted his eyes while Lois tried to get the baby to latch. But even with Vanessa's expert help, she remained unsuccessful.

"It's okay," Vanessa soothed her after almost half an hour of trying. "It takes some babies a little longer than others to take to the breast. Here, let me get you some of the milk you pumped earlier."

She disappeared for several long moments and came back with a warm bottle. It was probably the smallest bottle Clark had ever seen in his life. Lois placed the rubber nipple before the baby's lips and the girl began to suckle hungrily. Clark could see a mixture of relief and sadness in Lois' face. On the one hand, the baby was eating. On the other, he knew Lois would feel rejected by the girl's refusal to latch directly to her.

To Clark, however, nothing had ever seemed more beautiful to him than to see Lois giving nourishment to their daughter.


***


"Good news! You get to go home today," the nurse exclaimed, just three short days after the birth of Julia. It was Wendy, oddly enough - the same nurse who had admitted Lois to the hospital.

"And my daughter?" Lois immediately asked.

Wendy shook her head sadly. "She still needs time to grow and learn to regulate her body temperature."

"I can't leave without her!" Lois protested.

"I'm sorry. I truly am."

"Lois," Clark said, his heart aching. He'd known all along that it was a possibility, that they might have to go home without their daughter. "We have to do what's best for Julia."

"Then let me stay here with her," Lois begged.

"I can't do that," Wendy said simply, though not unkindly.

"Lois, you'll rest better at home. If you rest better, you'll heal better," Clark said. "The sooner you heal, the better, so you'll be ready for our daughter to come home."

"But, Clark..."

"I know," he said sympathetically, cutting her off. He rubbed soothing circles on her back since he was sitting right next to her. "I know. I don't like it any better than you do. But we have to trust that the doctors and nurses are going to keep Julia in the best health possible. I promise, we'll be back first thing in the morning to check on her. We'll spend the whole day visiting if you want. But we need to go home and get prepared for Julia to come home."

"I don't want to leave her," she said in a small voice.

"I don't either," he admitted.

Lois nodded finally. "We're not leaving until I see her again."

Clark smiled. "Of course not. We'll get you discharged and then go see our baby, okay?"

"Fine." She sounded tired and defeated.

"Great," Wendy said. She placed some papers into Lois' hands. "These are your discharge instructions - what not to do, and the like. And your prescription for the pain killers is in there. We'll need you to follow up with your doctor in a few weeks to check out your incision site. Until then, no driving and no lifting of anything heavier than your baby, okay?"

Lois nodded shallowly, clearly unhappy.

"Thank you," Clark said in her place.

They slowly got their things together, double checking and triple checking that they had everything they needed to bring back home with them. Then they were off to see their daughter. Clark thought the girl looked somehow bigger and stronger than she had during the night. He dismissed the thought almost as soon as he had it as nothing more than a product of his imagination.

He held the baby for a long while, rocking her and getting to feed her a bottle. It was always good to see the girl awake long enough to eat. He cooed to her nonstop, keeping his voice low out of respect for the other parents in the room, including that of a critically ill little girl born at a mere twenty-six weeks.

When it came time for Lois to hold Julia and rock her for a while, Clark saw the occasional tear glimmering in her eyes. During those moments, he had to avert his eyes in order to maintain a grip on his own threatening tears. Seeing Lois' shattered heart was almost too much for him to handle.

At last, they both knew that it was time to go. Both of them were starving, so Clark drove to a local pizza place, all the while far too mindful of the empty car seat in the backseat of the Jeep. After a shared and somber pizza, they headed home. Clark unpacked the Jeep as Lois made her ponderous way up the stairs toward their bedroom. He winced as he watched her progress, knowing that she still ached from the incision and the pooled fluid in her legs. He helped her up the rest of the way by gathering her in his arms and floating up the stairs rather than mounting each individual step. Lois snuggled mutely against his chest - a silent show of her appreciation.

After Lois showered and dressed herself in comfortable pajamas, Clark took the opportunity to do the same. He left her reading a book in bed, but came out of the shower to find the bedroom empty. He didn't have to wonder where she was. He instinctively knew where to find her. He padded quietly down the hall in his bare feet, faint sounds of shuddering cries leading the way to the nursery. The door was slightly ajar so he pushed it open. It made no noise as he did so, thanks to the new hinges he'd put on it when he'd been fixing up the house.

Lois was sitting in the glider chair, absently rocking away the minutes as she cried. Her face was turned away from Clark, so she hadn't yet seen him standing there in the doorframe. He watched for a moment before entering the room.

"Lois?"

Lois sniffled and hastily wiped at her tears with the quilt that had come with the bedding set for the crib. "Oh, Clark," she said, sounding tired and upset. Those two simple words seemed to convey all her thoughts.

"Sweetie, it's okay," Clark said, kneeling down next to her. "This is not a permanent situation. Julia will be home before we know it."

"It's just...I never expected to leave the hospital empty handed," she said before another sob took her.

"I didn't either. But she's doing great."

"Everyone else gets to come home with their baby and I had to leave her behind." She sniffled and fell silent for a moment. "I'm horrible, aren't I?"

"No, Lois," Clark said, shaking his head. "What makes you say that?"

"All those other people with babies in the NICU, in worse shape than Julia. They'll be there for months, and that's if their children come home at all. And here I am complaining."

"Sometimes, bad things happen. But it doesn't make you a bad person at all for wishing things had turned out ideally for us even when they haven't for others," Clark told her. He reached out and put a hand on her knee.

Her hand covered his. "I know. Logically, I know she's fine, that's she's in good hands, that she's healthy. But I can't help but worry. What if she gets scared? Or they run out of my milk? You know I'm not producing a lot. What if something else happens? What if some nurse gives her to the wrong family? What if...?"

Clark smiled at her. That stopped Lois in mid-sentence. A wrinkle creased her brow as she caught Clark's smile.

"What?"

"Nothing. It's just...I love watching you like this."

"Like what? An absolute wreck?"

Clark smiled again. "No," he said, shaking his head slightly. "Being a mom."

Lois smiled slightly at that. "You think so?"

"I know so."



To Be Continued...



Battle On,
Deadly Chakram

"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent

"One little spark of inspiration is at the heart of all creation." ~ Figment the Dragon