~~~~Part 19~~~~
Clark watched the reunion with mixed emotions, swallowing back the onslaught of tears he felt building in his throat. He was jealous, but not of Lois's affection for Perry as he would have expected.
He was jealous of Lois.
How long had it been since he'd had someone hug him like that? Have someone so overwhelmingly glad to see him that they couldn't hold back their tears?
Actually, it'd been never. He'd gotten hugs from his parents, sure, but he'd never had quite a homecoming as the one happening before him. He'd never had that. Unless...
Unless he counted the passionate welcome home he'd gotten from the other Lois in the other universe. The one that hadn't been for him.
Clark tore his mind away from the other universe. He didn't belong there. Then or now. He was home. And this was where he was staying. Where he wanted to stay. Even though the assault of emotions running through him right now made him want to turn heel and run.
Lois was vulnerable, elated, relieved... all at once. And that, mixing with the strange feeling of exhaustion that'd come over him as soon as Perry had gathered Lois into his arms... The severe weight of every emotion he was experiencing was becoming all too much to bear.
He had to hold it together, though. For Lois's sake. Perry's sake. He couldn't crumble like he always did. He wouldn't. He had to be strong, even though every muscle in his body was claiming fatigue, especially his mind.
Clark followed as Perry led Lois to the sofa in the sitting area of the suite. He chose an armchair, letting them have their space on the couch, and trying not to feel like he was intruding on a private moment. From what he knew, and what he was watching now, they were family.
A family he wasn't really a part of.
He had a niggling feeling in the back of his mind that maybe Lois wouldn't need him now that she had Perry. Maybe she didn't *really* love him; she'd just needed someone, and he was all she'd had. That wasn't the case anymore.
And he didn't know how he'd be able to live without her.
"I'm just going to go make some coffee..." Clark mumbled, gesturing weakly in the direction of the small kitchenette on the other side of the room. They didn't acknowledge him as he stood and walked away, but he hadn't really expected them to.
Lois was quietly recounting her tragic ordeal to Perry. Clark did his best to tune them out, but the alcove afforded little barrier from sound, especially if one had super hearing. He tried focusing on making coffee instead. Unfortunately, the hotel had been thoughtful enough to supply those simple filter packs.
Load filter. Pour water. Press start.
Now he had nothing to keep him occupied and nothing to prevent him from hearing the tears threatening in Lois's voice.
Clark leaned back against the counter and shut his eyes, bringing a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. He didn't want to hear her story again. The first time had been painful enough. For both of them.
His chest tightened, and he tried to ignore it. This wasn't the time nor the place to cry. And he hated that he wanted to. He was supposed to be better. Things had been improving steadily, hadn't they?
Or maybe things were just different. Maybe it was only because he hadn't been spending all day in bed that everything had seemed a bit brighter, a fraction more hopeful. Maybe he was merely distracting himself from how he really felt. Still felt. Would always feel.
Clark couldn't understand why it had to be so hard. He ought to be grateful to be there for Lois, to support her as she fought against her living nightmare. It should be second nature to him to offer his comfort to her unconditionally and without feeling like it took all his mental effort just to hold her hand and tell her everything would be all right.
He felt guilty for the relief that'd come over him when Lois had let go of his hand and gone to Perry. If he tried hard enough, he could convince himself that he'd only been feeling Lois's relief as she'd reconnected with her old friend... but he struggled to hold on to that conviction.
He hated the idea that being supportive for Lois had drained him. Why couldn't he accomplish at least that? He was the strongest man in the world, for crying out loud.
But emotional strength couldn't be recharged by the sun as the rest of his powers were. And being happy wasn't as easy as it'd been in his dreams.
His only shred of hope was that it *wasn't* like before. His heart didn't feel as heavy as it had just three days ago. That had to be a good sign, didn't it?
"Clark?" The sound of Lois's soft voice found its way to his ears.
He turned to find Lois leaning against the wall of the alcove. She looked weary and vulnerable with her arms wrapped around herself loosely, one hand grasping a shoulder as if she was trying to keep herself warm. Her head was tilted, resting against the wall, and she was wearing a faint whisper of a smile.
"Thank you."
"For what?" he asked quietly.
"For bringing me here. For giving me time alone with Perry. And... for still being here." There was a touch of apprehension in her voice that he couldn't quite figure out.
She needed him, *wanted* him there, so he was. Leaving hadn't crossed his mind.
Was it really that simple? No questions, just an inexplicable desire to protect her? His brow furrowed. "Why wouldn't I be?"
She looked away briefly and shrugged. Her chin started to tremble, and he could feel, more than see fresh tears forming in her eyes. "Because now that Perry knows I'm alive, you don't have to take care of me anymore."
"I thought you were taking care of me," he whispered.
She looked back up at him then, hugging herself tighter. She didn't say anything, but he could hear her heart racing faster. He watched as the tears welling up in her eyes started to spill over and make their indiscriminate way down her cheeks.
For a moment, he couldn't move. Was that him daring to hope that this was all real? Or was it her?
Then, suddenly, he felt a rush of warmth spread through him, an almost overwhelming... emotion for the woman standing in front of him. He crossed the room in one swift movement to draw her into his arms. She fell readily into his embrace and wrapped her arms around him. "Oh, Lois," he whispered against her hair. "I'll always be here. As long as you'll have me."
They stood that way for a long set of moments, clinging to each other, and Clark was afraid to let her go. He wanted to hold on to the moment. *This* moment. When he understood that she needed him as much as he needed her.
He pulled back to look at her, bringing his hands up to frame her face. She was watching him intently, her eyes still holding a touch of uncertainty... unspoken questions. She was asking him to care, to love her... Or at least he hoped to God that was what she was asking. He took a chance and lowered his lips to hers, gently at first. And when she responded, he pressed slightly deeper, trying to express just how much he wanted her to stay. With him. That he needed her to help him feel alive, and that if she needed him, that was okay, too.
Clark broke off the kiss and rested his forehead against hers, letting his hands slip down to her shoulders. "Let me be there for you, Lois," he pleaded softly. He wasn't so confident he could, but he sure as hell wanted to try.
Her soft reply sent a slight tremor through him. "Okay."
He felt her shiver slightly, and she pulled back to look at him. He took half a step back and found her eyes searching his, looking for... something. A slight smile touched her lips, and she ducked her head, blushing.
She looked back at him from under her lashes and said hesitantly, "I'm probably going to embarrass myself by saying this... but... I can't help but feel there's this connection between us. It's as if... well, it's as if I can feel what you're feeling..." She ducked her head again. "But that's ridiculous, isn't it? In fact, forget I sai-"
"You can," he said softly.
Her eyes darted back to his to stare at him in wonder laced with fear.
He shouldn't have... She hadn't... she hadn't meant it. No, she hadn't expected it to be real. Hadn't expected *him* to know. He stumbled backwards a few steps and opened his mouth to say something...
"Good to have you back, Clark!" Perry's deep voice startled Clark, and when he looked back at Lois, her expression was closed, devoid of emotion.
Clark cleared his throat and took another half step back from Lois. "Thanks, Perry."
Perry gave him a solemn look. "Did, uh, everything turn out okay... over there?"
Clark was trying to calm the racing of his heart. Trying to tell himself that he hadn't just screwed up. What had Perry asked? Oh... the other universe. Right. "Yeah... it should, anyway."
He could sense Lois attempting to close herself off from him, not to feel. He tried to catch her eye, make her understand somehow, but she turned away from him. Distanced herself. He averted his eyes. He couldn't watch.
Perry's voice seemed muted, far away. "He made it back?"
No reason to be nervous, unsettled. Numbly, as if the words were coming from someone else's mouth, he answered Perry, "Not before I'd left, no, but they were pretty certain he was on his way."
"Ah, good. Hope everything works out for them." Perry smiled wanly at him.
He might have smiled back, but he was sure the muscles in his face weren't working quite properly. "Yeah. Me too."
"Did you get to see your... the Kents again? That must've been rough, son."
Clark tried to suppress the dull ache in his chest at the mention. He swallowed roughly. "Yeah. But it was good to see them again, even if they were his parents, not mine."
They were both quiet for a minute after that, almost as if holding a moment of remembrance, even though Perry had never known them.
The unmistakable crack of china shattering pierced the silence. Clark whipped around to find Lois with her mouth hanging open and the pot of scalding hot coffee threatening to slip from her slackened grasp. He was there in a beat to catch it before he realized why she'd dropped the mug in the first place...
Twice. He'd screwed up twice. He should have told her...
He watched as Perry hurried to Lois's side, asking if she was all right.
She wasn't. Her eyes were still wide, her mouth still... she was staring at his hand. He furrowed his brow and opened his mouth to ask her...
But she beat him to it. "Clark! Isn't that burning you?"
He followed her eyes to the coffee pot in his palm. "No..." Suddenly self-conscious, Clark set the pot down on the counter, though he wasn't quite sure what to do with his hands afterwards.
"Oh, right. Invulnerable," she mumbled.
He looked back to Lois to find her concerned expression had been replaced with one that was indecipherable. And that was obviously the way she wanted to keep it. The connection was all but gone... unless the cold feeling in the pit of his stomach was any indication...
Lois broke some of the tension in the room, turning to Perry. "Is there a broom and dustpan here? I ought to get this cleaned up."
Perry just stared for a moment before answering. "Lois, darlin', are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Perry. Why wouldn't I be?" She crouched down to start picking up the larger shards of broken ceramic.
Clark knelt down to help her. "Lois, let me. You'll cut yourself."
She dropped the pieces she'd collected and stood abruptly. "Fine."
He tried not to flinch at her abrasiveness, instead, focusing on cleaning up the broken mug and tossing the shards into the small waste basket Perry had wordlessly set beside him. He just wasn't meant to do anything right. Ever. His miraculous chance at happiness, and he'd screwed up.
"Clark?"
His stomach lurched at her harsh tone, and he looked up hesitantly, letting the last piece fall with a soft clink onto the rest of the demolished mug. Broken. He didn't appreciate the irony.
"I think you should take me back to Metropolis. I'm tired. We can come back later and work out a game plan."
He stood slowly, watching her for some indication of how he was supposed to react. What he was supposed to do. Her glare fell, and she averted her eyes. He watched her focus on the floor first, and then her gaze wandered to stare at Perry, an almost defeated expression on her face. Finally, her eyes met his again. Betrayal and hurt. Lots of hurt. The connection was definitely still working. Only he wasn't so grateful for it now.
Clark looked to Perry for guidance, hoping for some sort of clue as to what to do.
The older man cleared his throat. "That sounds like a good idea. When was the last time you two slept, anyway?"
Clark opened his mouth, but realized the last time they had slept was... He looked over to Lois.
She crossed her arms in front of her and turned to Perry. "We had a short nap earlier, but it wasn't that restful."
He winced and bit at his lower lip, trying not to let show that her cutting remark had hit its target squarely.
"All right, you kids ought to get some sleep, then. You can come back later tonight, okay?"
Clark nodded, thankful that Perry was so prudent about the situation. He was not looking forward to the flight home.
TBC...
