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Features Writer
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Features Writer
Joined: Jun 2003
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
Joined: Jan 2010
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 So an early attempt at time travel affected his psyche to such a degree that things would never be the same. I haven't seen very many origin stories for Tempus so this was an enjoyable one.
CLARK: No. I'm just worried I'm a jinx.
JONATHAN: A jinx?
CLARK: Yeah. Let's face it, ever since she's known me, Lois's been kidnapped, frozen, pushed off buildings, almost stabbed, poisoned, buried alive and who knows what else, and it's all because of me.
-"Contact" (You're not her jinx, you're her blessing.)
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Joined: Jun 2013
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
Joined: Jun 2013
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Loved it! And the digs at IKEA and stationary bicycles were spot-on.
"Oh, you can’t help that," said the Cat: "we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad."
"How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn’t have come here.”
- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
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Joined: Apr 2013
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
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He switched it on and a moment later screamed as he felt a jolt of electricity frying synapses in his brain. The world tilted, and a moment later he found himself on the floor, convulsing.
It was almost ten minutes before he could move on his own. Well he DID set it for 10 minutes into the future... What is he complaining about  ? John Tempus swore eternal vengeance on the IKEA company, with their unreadable instructions and promises of parts that wouldn’t fall into crevices and cause disaster. God I laughed at that line Loved it! Mike
Create all the happiness you are able to create.
Remove all the misery you are able to remove.
Jeremy Bentham
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 8,941 Likes: 28
Boards Chief Administrator Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Boards Chief Administrator Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 8,941 Likes: 28 |
Hmm…someone drop Lois from Lex’s balcony? In Utopia, time travel had never been particularly popular. The present was perfect, the reasoning went, so why bother going to the past?
The future, by contrast wasn’t any different from the present, so it wasn’t very entertaining either, other than for the temporary novelty of meeting yourself. Oh my. No wonder Tempus wants to blow out other people’s brains. Unfortunately, he hadn’t realized that even fifty years before there had still been devices sold assembly required. Apparently the company had thought that the adventurous types who wanted to go back in time would be more than willing to put the device together themselves.  And we all know how clumsy Utopians are. He stood up and slid into the seat. The thing was designed to look like a stationary bicycle; something he was assured from his reading was quite common in the era he was going to. It had the advantage of being something that was often purchased but almost never used. The fact that later models had gotten cynical and included hanger for clothing hadn’t helped the confusion. ![[Linked Image]](http://cosgan.de/images/midi/froehlich/d050.gif) The button was there; he hesitated, then set the program for ten minutes in the future.
[…]
It was almost ten minutes before he could move on his own.  Any reasonable person would submit themselves to the caregivers to be examined; They have professional caregivers in the future? ![[Linked Image]](http://cosgan.de/images/midi/figuren/h020.gif) Yet somehow he didn’t go to the caregivers. For the first time he didn’t want to do what society asked of him. Oooh! The birth of Tempus John Tempus swore eternal vengeance on the IKEA company, with their unreadable instructions and promises of parts that wouldn’t fall into crevices and cause disaster. He wouldn’t be the only one who got screwed.  Another hilarious piece!   Michael
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Joined: Apr 2011
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Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Joined: Apr 2011
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Did someone have a long weekend with a new piece of furniture? I wonder. Boy, no wonder Tempus wanted to leave town. What an apathetic bunch those Utopians seem. All obsessed with Superman and have no interest in a history which doesn't involve themselves. I wonder if it WAS a time travel device, or whether it was just a assemble yourself exercise bike which he set for 10 minutes... wrongly. Either way, very funny. 
VirginiaR.
"On the long road, take small steps." -- Jor-el, "The Foundling"
---
"clearly there is a lack of understanding between those two... he speaks Lunkheadanian and she Stubbornanian" -- chelo.
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
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Obviously Tempus never played with Legos To understand IKEA instructions, one must first be thoroughly conversant in Lego.
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Beat Reporter
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Beat Reporter
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But how can you call it Utopia if IKEA is still turning out bad instructions? Maybe Tempus has a point…
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Joined: May 2011
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Nobel Peace Prize Winner
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Nobel Peace Prize Winner
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 6,142 Likes: 2 |
Bwhahahaha! IKEA gave us shoddy furniture and the best villain in the L&C universe. Perfect!
Battle On,
Deadly Chakram
"Being with you is stronger than me alone." ~ Clark Kent
"One little spark of inspiration is at the heart of all creation." ~ Figment the Dragon
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Joined: Apr 2013
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
Joined: Apr 2013
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Well to be fair the device WAS 50 years old when Tempus attempted to put it together... Unfortunately, he hadn’t realized that even fifty years before there had still been devices sold assembly required. Apparently the company had thought that the adventurous types who wanted to go back in time would be more than willing to put the device together themselves. However I did bust out laughing when I read the IKEA line in the story. My wife looked at me funny so I had to try to explain (she is NOT an Lois and Clark fan, she only occasionally watched the series back in the 90's to humor me). Mike
Create all the happiness you are able to create.
Remove all the misery you are able to remove.
Jeremy Bentham
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Hack from Nowheresville
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Hack from Nowheresville
Joined: Aug 2012
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Well, you know, he did have at least one screw loose. *grins, ducks, and runs for dear life* Highly amusing, Shayne!
"It's the mythology of a sun god who wished he was a man because he saw something so great in us. It's the story of a hero who could move whole worlds and see through stars and hear a whisper on the other side of the planet... ...and who fell in love with a storyteller." - ashmaht (x)
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Feb 2008
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Holy cow, this is hilarious!
Everybody else already quoted the best lines so I'll just say that I was laughing hysterically.
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Columnist
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Columnist
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 732 Likes: 1 |
Really?!! IKEA must have improved their instructions over the centuries. The time is lost but I end up frustrated, furious AND dazed when I'm done.
Great story.
Shallowford
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Boards Chief Administrator Pulitzer
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Boards Chief Administrator Pulitzer
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 3,083 Likes: 39 |
Very cute! And I LOL'd at the "something called Snooki" line!
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