Lois & Clark Forums Forums General Discussion Lois & Clark Caption Competition XII

The last thread looked like it was getting kinda full, so I started a new one. I hope no-one minds?
So many pictures, it's hard to choose. At first I couldn't make up my mind...then I saw this:

Superman: No... sorry, Lois. It's not vodka.

superman: so, let me get this straight... you're calling yourself "ultrawoman," and you're wearing a purple suit with lavender accents and a teal cape, and you think you have super powers.

lois: yes, exactly.

superman: and what have you had to eat or drink recently?

lois: just that water over there. why do you ask?

---

superman: wait, stop! that's not an ordinary bottle of water!

delivery man: what do you mean? sure it is. ... oh, it's you, superman. well, if you say so, i'll trust you. <drops the bottle and backs off, quickly.>

superman: just as i thought, lois. this is expensive imported mineral water. and the suits upstairs said they couldn't afford to give us a raise!

---

kal-el: hmm, odd. this substance appears to be dihydrogen monoxide. why would the earthlings keep it in such a prominent location? do you think it has some sort of cultural significance?

---

superman: hmm, yes. clever of him, but i've seen this trick before. the water coolant system has been replaced with a heating system, to excite the ion particles. it was sabatoge! that's why all the drinking water in town is lukewarm! ooo... he's sunk to a new low...

---

superman: ah-ha! the water in this tank has been spiked!

ultrawoman: with what? alcohol? poison? drugs?

superman: no, worse than that. it's... berry blue kool-aid.

---

superman: hey, wait a second... this water smells just like that stuff from the space rats, and that means... it's all mine!!

---

superman: yes... i see now... it was all a set-up, designed to lure us here...

ultrawoman: what is it? what's in the tank?

superman: water.

ultrawoman: water?

superman: yes. careful, lois. we're about to be asaulted with... water balloons!

---

superman: this stuff smells familiar. it smells like... what is it? ... i got it! eau de chat #7. wow. cat really buys her perfume in bulk, doesn't she?

---

UW: superman, wait! i think that barrel is full of miranda's pheremone perfume. if you smell it now, without your powers, you'll... wait, never mind. sniff to your heart's content, big guy.

---

superman: oh no! ultrawoman, you have to get this stuff out of here, fast!

UW: what is it?

SM: you don't want to know.

UW: just tell me.

SM: <whispering> it's... a leftover case of crystal pepsi.

---

<not sure about this one, but.. what the hey.>

SM: lois, quick! get this bottle out of here and replace it with a clean one!

UW: what? what is it?

SM: well, without my powers, it seems i'm vulnerable to...

UW: what?

SM: pollen. i just sneezed in the tank.

---

UW: is that what i think it is?

SM: yup. my next delivery of hair gel. what with air friction and all, i burn through this stuff faster than you'd believe.

(note: this caption inspired by a sudden memory of this story by bethy and shivasaavik.)

Superman: I still don't get it. Why would they make Skittle flavored water?

Ultrawoman: Because it tastes good. Now taste the rainbow for crying out loud! We've got things to do!


JD
LOL, probably not my finest, but I'll get back in shape.

Lois: Beware, you're gonna ruin your suit and you know how Martha gets touchy on that issue!

Carole

It can't be worse than mine

Superman: "I don't understand it, Ultrawoman."

Ultrawoman: "Me neither!"

Superman: "There doesn't seem to be anything in there...So what is it that makes these earthlings gather around these 'water cooler' things, anyway?"

These are all good, but... I'm loving the water cooler one!

PJ

cool, thanks! glad you liked it.

so, new pic.

well, see what you can do with this one...

(hope it hasn't been used before... not sure.)

OMG! Lois! Did Tank cut your hair AGAIN?

The nfic version....


Clark: "When you said you liked things kinky, Lois, I had no idea you'd go THIS FAR!!"


-Wanda "My Mind's in the Gutter" Detroit

Clark: Lois, tying me with chains made on Kyrpton wasn't what I had in mind when you said you wanted to inject more romance into our relationship!

Clark: Lois, when I said I wanted to be more spontaneous, spending the night behind bars was *not* what I had in mind.
Lois: It just goes to show how little you know about theft. When you're stealing a street-sign, you do *not* stop and talk to the cops beforehand.

JD

Lois! What do you mean you don't have the key?!

~Anna

Clark: "You said I needed some new suits; I said fine. You said I should go to the new clothing store on 41st Street; I said fine. But don't you think you should have mentioned that Rolf was the new tailor and he'd be the one measuring my inseam?!?"


Kathy

okay. been about a day and a half since the last caption, so i guess it's time to pick a winner so we can get the new pic.

this one's a close call. i've gone back and forth on it a few times in the past day or so, when i realized i'd probably have to pick a winner soon. i've been hoping someone else would post something newer and even more brilliant to make it easier for me. it's strange. i was all set to pick one, but then, when i came back and looked them over again, a different one struck me funnier. i guess it all depends on frame of mind when you read them or something.

anyway, i'll stop blabbering on. the winner this time is...

/sound # drumroll.wav



(though i'm still trying to figure out whether this is rolf's basement or jail, both work really well.)

you're up, kathy!

Paul

LOL, Paul, I'm glad you liked it. It's nice to know I'm not the only one with this sense of humor.

OK, here we go ... let's see what you guys can do with this one:




Kathy

Superman: I see officer, so Graceland is in that direction ready Mr. White?
Perry: Uh Superman I appreciate the offer of a flight to Graceland but this method of transport wasn't what I had in mind.

lol, kathy. i don't know if you really want to claim a shared sense of humor with me, but hey- if you think so, go right ahead. just don't be too surprised when the nice people in the white coats come to check on you.

hmm... captions. let's see...

---

lois, he says he still won't give you a raise. what should i do with him now?

---

the chair goes in that corner, jimmy? okay, if you say so. you know... it's odd. i could swear it was moving. i know i can't see anything on it, but it really feels strange. you're not trying out one of those tricks you learned from baron sunday last night, are you? some kind of rumble chair or something? no, well, if you say so, i believe you. you're the boss.

---

you ready, nor? this is it. if i do this, you'll have lost, and you and your army will have to leave the earth and never come back. (of course, if i miss... no, can't think about that...) here goes. eight ball, corner pocket.

---

good morning. this is your captain speaking. it's a clear day, 72 degrees and sunny. we'll be cruising today at 7000 feet as we head over towards washington, DC. i have an open taxiway, so we'll be preparing to take off shortly. flight time should be about 1 minute, 15 seconds. our in-flight movie will be a one-handed rendition of "little rabbit foo-foo." unfortunately, we will not have time for beverage service. in case of emergecy, exits are located here, here, and here. please note that federal regulations prohibit smoking on this flight. sit back, relax, make sure your office chair is in the full upright and locked position, and prepare for takeoff. thank you for flying "superman express."

---

Perry: "EEK!"

Superman: "Officer, the mouse went that way! Don't worry, Mr. White, I'll keep you up here until the rodent gets caught."

I am the shotput champion, and I'll prove it! See New York over there?


*giggling over Little Bunny Foo Foo*

Superman: Counting down 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...0...and lift off we have lift off!
Perry: Superman when you said you wanted to fly me to the moon I didn't think you meant it literally!

"Having juggled Mr. White and an office chair, I will now add a *third* object! Jimmy, can you hand me that lamp?"

Superman: Isn't that painting on the wall interesting? I find it fascinating.

Perry: Um, Superman, there's a rather large missile headed directly my way...

perry: clark, i wasn't talking about you!

superman: but i just - wait, what did you call me?

perry: i'm sorry, i was just in this alternate dimension. it was awful. i was this drunken tabloid reporter, and you had no morals, and your dad was a jerk, and your mom was hardly ever around, and everyone knew that clark kent had super powers, and he'd been involved with this gang and robbing banks and stuff, and there was kryptonite everywhere, and clark lost control of his powers and nearly dropped a tractor on me - or, well, the other me, and i couldn't seem to get to the bus stop, and then lana was kind of your soulmate, and i have no idea what happened to lois... great shades of elvis! it was the weirdest thing. after a while, i had to run into the forest just to keep my sanity! i've still got pine needles suck in my clothes.

superman: so, when you were saying those things about clark, you didn't mean... wait a minute. pine needles? in kansas? but... huh?

Paul
(it's 5am, i can't get to sleep, and this seemed like a good idea. <shrug>)

My dear fellow, it is with great regret that I must confess that some situations are beyond even my vast ability to repair.

The universe which the distraught Mr. White of Mr. Hatman's post had visited has not escaped my notice. However, I was deeply saddened to ascertain that, despite the apparent similarities, the Clark Kent of that universe is, in fact, not Clark Kent at all. It is true that a bizarre twist of fate granted the young man in question the same name, and even the same foster parents, as the Clark Kent and Superman that we all know and admire so well. But even a cursory examination of that unhappy dimension led me to the realisation that the Clark Kent of that world could, in fact, never aspire to the role of Superman. He is a troubled young man, to be sure, of uncertain origin. But he is not Kal-El of Krypton as we know it, and even my astonishing abilities cannot create substance where none exists.

I am pleased that Mr. White will recover from the traumatic experience of his stay in that sad reality. Needless to say, I would be delighted to offer my incomparable assistance if any further therapy proves necessary.

H.G. Wells

Thanks Mr. Wells!!!

Jose

it's good to see you back, mr. wells.

thanks for clearing things up!

Paul

ROTFL, you guys!

There were so many great captions this time.

I was all ready to give it to Wanda for her "mouse" idea, which totally cracked me up, but then Paul came up with the Smallville reference ... so topical yet such a surprise! (And ROTFL at Mr. Wells. I like the other show, but you are sooooo right! LOL!)

But when I saw this one, I laughed too hard not to make it the winner:



You're up, Queen of Capes! Too funny!!

Kathy

And for my next act, I'll juggle Lex Luther and two bowling pins!

Okay, FoLCs, lets see what you do with this:

Superman: Aww, is Lois a little bit scared? Does she need her dolly and her blankie?

Lois (worried): Superman, you know, you really should consider taking a vacation. Stress can make you do pretty crazy things... like thinking that a doll is a real baby, y'know?


Wendy

Lois, whispering: "Look, honey, I know you want to have a family, but no amount of pretending *or* superpowers will turn that doll into a child."

PJ

"Look, Lois, I know you're trying to work on your parenting skills. But no matter *who* the father is, babies don't fly!"

look, lois! i just saved... chuckie?! okay, now what do i do? he's a serial killer and he's not even really alive. he can't go to jail, but i can't just let him loose, either. should i have even saved him in the first place? help me, lois! i'm so confused.

----

superman: can you believe it, lois? i just found this little guy in a dumpster. how could someone do that? what is wrong with our society?

lois: you do know that's a doll, right?

superman: a doll, lois? a doll? no, lois, this isn't just a doll. it's a 1975 madame alexander limited edition "baby brother michael" in near mint condition! what have we come to that someone is willing to just toss out a priceless gem like this?

----

superman: i went to the address you gave me, lois, but all i could find was this.

lois: i don't understand. what was that doing there? are you sure you went to the right address?

guy behind superman: uhm, excuse me... uh, superman? can i have that back, please? it's mine. see? we've even got the same hair and nose and...

----

Superman: Okay, I'll give you back the doll and blanket, but only if you promise to do Clark's laundry for a week.

~*~

Superman: Look, Lois! I found my blanket and baby doll from my childhood!

~*~

Lois: I don't care if the thing cries, spits up, chews down french fries or wets its pants. I don't want it.

~*~

Lois: I don't think a doll is an adequate way to prepare for parenthood.

~*~

Doll: Ma-ma.

Lois: GET IT AWAY FROM ME!

Superman: Calm down, it's just a doll.

Lois: I don't do kids - not even plastic ones.

Lois: "Oh, God, Clark! I can't believe I did this. I was just so distracted with the Queen and the Pope, I mixed up the kids!"

Superman: "Now, don't panic, Lois; look carefully. Was this one Baby Clark, Baby Lois, Baby Martha, Baby Jonathan, Baby Lana, Baby Jimmy, Baby Perry, Baby Lucy, Baby Sam or Baby Ellen?"


Kathy

Lois: 'little tornado' is growing on me, and after seeing this, don't ever think of calling me 'babe'!

Carole

Superman(singing): Rock a by baby on the tree top when the wind blows the cradle will rock when the bow breaks the cradle will fall and down will come baby cradle and all

Lois: I know you like babies honey, but your singing isn't going to put that thing to sleep

superman: i don't know where he came from. he was just wrapped in this blanket with a note saying "lois and clark: this is your baby." but he doesn't look anything like either of us. i don't get it.

lois: uhm, superman, his head is made of plastic. i know you're not from this planet, but i don't think that's a real baby.

---

lois: wait! there's a note! "there is a bomb on this baby. if his formula consuption drops below 55 ounces/day... oh, never mind. after that whole thing with the bus and them getting the people off and everything, i just haven't been the same. i'll come up with a better evil plot next time. for now, just don't mind me."

---

lois: where'd that doll come from, superman?

superman: he was left on the roof of a building, just waiting for me.

lois: what? why?

superman: i don't know.

lois: hey, look. there's a note. "superman, i have found your weakness! you care too much! now you'll be too busy trying to care for this 'baby poopsalot' and you'll never be able to foil my schemes again!" wow, lex has really gone off the deep end, hasn't he?

superman: he just hasn't been the same since his second death.

---

superman: ... but, look here. when i tickle his belly like this - coochie coochie coo! - he giggles like a real baby!

lois: wow, you're right. that's great! she'll love it! we have to get one of these! where'd you find it?

guy in the background: uhm, excuse me, superman... are you done playing? can i have my doll back now? i kind of need to finish my shopping...

---

(editing to add this one in, which i forgot as i was writing yesterday)

doll: fear me, ally mcbeal! i am a baby, and i can dance! hahahaha -- superman? lois lane? oh, dang it! i'm on the wrong show!

KathyB, you're next!

Oh, wow, LOL! I'm glad you liked it.

Let's try this one.



Kathy

jaxon xavier: POW! ZAP! ha-ha! i, X, rule the world! take that, supes! ha! don't even try, kent! ooo, lois floating in! nice try, but i won't shoot her. ZAP! SHOOM! whee! now it's just you and me, lois. come here, you floating angel...

computer: X, there's someone at the door.

jaxon: well, tell them to go away. i'm busy with important matters.

computer: okay, but i don't think the IRS agent will be happy...

jaxon: aww, man. and we were just getting to the good part, too.

----

superman: okay, so here we are in the ionosphere. things look pretty strange from this perspective, but you can learn a lot about particle interaction if you look closely.

alt-clark: interesting. yes, i see... i never really came up here in my world. i was too focused on hiding my powers.

lois: wow, what is this place?

superman: lois?! what are you doing up here? you can't fly!

lois: i can't? oh, right. uhm, about that...

superman: yes...?

lois: HELP ME!!!

----

lois: wow, CK, las vegas sure is more exciting in your world! i mean, "the star trek experience" is pretty cool in our world, but this is amazing!

---

superman: lois, what are you doing here?

lois: i don't know. where are we?

superman: i'm not sure. what do you remember?

lois: well, i'd just had my hair cut. see? nice and short? then i went home to see lex, and he said something about being bored with me. i cried and said i didn't want a divorce, and he said not to worry, divorce wasn't what he had in mind. that's the last thing i remember.

superman: the last thing i remember was being attacked with kryptonite. it was too much. i passed out, and when i woke up, i was here... what about you, clark?

clark: i'm not sure. i was walking along, and i heard a gunshot. next thing i knew, i was here.

lois: so... we're all dead?

clark: sounds like it.

superman: so this must be -- hey, what's that buzzing sound?

clark: what? oh, now i hear it. odd.

lois: i know that sound!

superman: you do?

lois: yeah! it's lex's alarm clock! lex, wake up! you've got a meeting in half an hour!

---

lois: huh? what is this place? clark? superman? what's going on?

CK & SM (in unison): we are the flying kent-els.

lois: what?

CK & SM: we came from worlds apart. we came for you.

lois: what are you two going on about?

CK & SM: we are one.

lois: i see...

CK & SM: you are blind, but we bring the light of truth to your darkness.

lois: if you say so.

CK & SM: listen, and the solution to the great mystery will be revealed.

lois: oh, good. so what do i have to do to get an explanation around here?

CK & SM: you have but to ask.

lois: okay. good to know. what the heck is going on?

CK & SM: you are on a spiritual journey of discovery.

lois: uh-huh. and just how did that happen?

CK & SM: you ate take-out from ralph's pagoda.

Matrix III.

Jimmy: Oh, wow, I love VR. I've always wanted to be able to fly. Whee! *does a few somersaults*

Superman: Jimmy, now is not the time...

Lois: Sure it is. Whee! *does a few somersaults, landing right on Superman*

Guess my photo choice wasn't as inspiring this time, since we didn't get as many entries. Fortunately, the ones we got were fun.

Karen, you are so totally up next! I thought it was funny when Jimmy took his opportunity when he could get it -- so Jimmy! -- but when Lois made Superman the straight man, I was hooked.

You're up!

Kathy