Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Fanfic Related Dating in different cultures...

Hello there,
I was just wondering - I have read so many LnC-Stories where Lois and Clark are dating. To be honest - there's not really such a thing as dating in Germany. When it comes to our rituals, they are pretty much the same as those of our neighbors the Netherlands as displayed in this article:

Dating customs

Sometimes people go out and share a meal, sometimes they watch a film and sometimes a friendship can move on to more without having to go out with anyone first.

So I was curious, how are things in the US - I mean really, not the way they portray it in movies or fiction. Are there rules about the time when the first kiss should be shared? So anyone care to tell me? Please?

Hmmm...I definitely for sure am NOT an expert at dating here in the US (actually I have been married for 6 years --and have been with my husband going on 8 years). But I can tell you a little about how we got together? That would be an examle of a relationship here. I know our relationship better than anyone, so I guess I'm an expert at that?

Okay--brief story on us. I'm 33 and my husband is 36. We met on an online dating site. I found him, sent him a 'hello' message, which led to us e-mailing back and forth. We e-mailed for 3 or 4 days and then talked on the phone for 3 hours on the fourth night. We went on a first date two days later--where we met up at 3:00 in the afternoon. We went on a tour of the area b/c he had recently moved. The tour went well, which then spontaniously led to us going out for a nice dinner, then renting a movie. We had a great time (and I know it sounds cliche, but I--and I later found out him also--totally knew eachother was 'the one'... . He said he loved me about two months into our relationship. We traveled out of country to a wedding about 6 months into being a couple (which I took as being a pretty serious sign b/c we planned it way in advance). He proposed about a year and a half after meeting. And lastly, we got married four months after the proposal ).

Traveled to Germany when I was in college--beautiful country--loved it!

I've read a lot of stories where Lois and Clark are dating (or right around that stage), and it is such a fun time in their relationship to explore. It's one of my favorite areas to read about--love seeing them get together

I've been with my husband for 21 years (married for 18), but I can tell you about most relationships I knew about in the 1980s, when I was in high school and college and in the early 90s. My experience may be atypical though; especially to how it correlates to nowadays since no computers were involved.

Group dating was popular in the high school with hook-ups happening then, at parties or during group after-school activities (football games, drama, band, etc.). Every dance I went to in high school, I asked the guy to or we were already involved, so it was just assumed that we would go.

The only "date" I was ever asked on (where the guy called and asked specifically for me to go "out" with him on a date) I wasn't interested and so said 'no'. The experience probably jinxed me as I was never asked out in such a manner again. (I my opinion, if you've kissed someone -- really kissed them, not just a small peck -- in a casual setting prior to going out just the two of you, a form of relationship has been established and therefore any requests for dinner, movies, 'going out', doesn't count as being asked on a "date" per se, but as "dating". But maybe it's just my wacky way of seeing the world.)

When I lived in Germany during a year abroad, the only guy who expressed interest in me (we went out on a group date to the movies) made it clear through his actions (and then words) that he thought I was loose and would jump into bed with him just because I was an American, which I found insulting. Needless to say, he didn't get what he wanted and I didn't go out with him again. It just proves that every culture has their jerks, since he wasn't like most guys I met while I was there. He was the only one I kissed though.

In the small liberal arts college I went to, group dating again was the norm with hook-ups (not necessarily sex, usually just kissing) happening at parties and while 'hanging out'. Rarely, did guys ask a girl "out on a date" to a party or school event if they weren't already involved.

I met the man who would become my husband in college. I invited him and his friends to several joint activities I was doing with my friends. He did the same. We were involved in some of the same groups in college and were friends first. Group dating in this way is very vague (read: frustrating) because mostly it's just a group of friends hanging out. Until he kissed me, I wasn't sure that he liked me as I liked him.

I had a personal rule, where I might invite a guy out (really, it was the only way since they never seemed to ask me out), but I would never initiate the first kiss. Then I assumed we were in a relationship until I was proven otherwise (I mean, why else kiss me, right?) Maybe I was naive, but it seemed to work. So, according to your linked article, I must date like an Australian.

In my senor year of college, I asked my husband to marry me (by asking him if he could ever see himself married to me), but we were never formerly 'engaged'.

After college, he returned to his home country (because his school visas were expired) and I tried to get a job in an office rather than retail. After a year of missing him and hating dealing with the lack of career opportunities for a college graduate, I moved to his country and we got married. Again, I initiated this action (when I called, he thought I was calling to break up with him). I hated my life as it was and I figured misery loves company.

I don't think my 'dating' experience is typical for Americans, especially nowadays, but it's what I know.

My sister, on the other hand, has never had difficulty having men call her to ask her out. She has met men a numerous of places (including online dating), they'd exchange phone numbers, they'd call her (or arrange to meet), and they would go out on 'get to know you dates' as you see in television shows. Sometimes, they would continue dating; sometimes, she would never hear from them again. She's currently in a relationship with a man, I believe she met online.

I don't think there are any set "rules" for dating in America, since we are a mish-mash of a bunch of cultures; it's a matter of personal choice and which 'rules' you set for yourself, which could or could not be based on family values and/or cultural traditions.

I don't have an extensive dating history by any means.

I had my first date at age 19, when I was in college. I met the guy in my Creative Writing class and we hit it off during dinner before class on the 2nd or 3rd week. (It was a 3 hour, once a week night class.) He asked me out and I said yes. That relationship crashed and burned 2.5 months later after I admitted that I was starting to have feelings. (He was scared and bolted on me.)

I then met two guys on dating websites and we went out only once or twice. Neither guy really did it for me.

When I was 22, I met my husband on the Yahoo Personals. He sent me an "ice breaker." I was almost at the end of that month's subscription and was going to end it and take a break. I had about 3 days left, so I emailed him back, figuring I had nothing to lose. I gave him my personal email account, instead of the one the dating site gives you.

He was out of state finishing college - he'd taken a break between semesters at one point. So, for about a month, we emailed back and forth, as well as phone calls. (That first call lasted 2 or 3 hours.) When he got back home, we went out on our first date. (Dinner and a movie.) I don't think either of us wanted that night to end - we'd hit it off perfectly.

We became "officially" boyfriend and girlfriend on our second date - a trip to the zoo. Just after 2 months of dating, he told me that he loved me. I already knew he was the one for me. 6.5 months after our first date, he asked met to marry him.

We're now married 6 years and together for 8 years. (We chose to have a year and a half long engagement.)

Anything and everything became our dates. Dinner, movies, walking the mall, amusement parks, mini golf, bowling, etc. He would even come over to watch Lost with me. (I got him into the show.) Our first kiss was at the end of our first date - he walked me to my door and kissed me. (Come to think of it, I've always been kissed on the first date.)

Anyway, I hope that helps some!

Relationships/dating have changed in the US significantly from the 90s when LnC started. I know my relationship with my husband follows a similar design of the ones above.

I met him on a dating website and we exchanged emails a couple of times and a phone call once before officially meeting in person. In his case I had him pick me up (not a thing a cautious person would do and it was a risk I don't know if I would take looking back-it's something Lois most certainly wouldn't have done). We went out on a lunch date to talk in person for our first. Our second was to a concert venue at a bar. Eventually we had regular date nights in (go over to his place walk over to the nearby activity and either have dinner or bring dinner back along with a movie to watch).

My sister's dating relationship and my father's (he remarried two years after my mother passed away) bot consisted of meeting their respective significant others online. My brother may be the sole exception. His followed the "friend" profile. Meeting at college through friends and hanging out. Eventually they became more serious. before first breaking up and then getting back together and eventually getting married.

I agree with what Virginia and LMA said - there's no one set of dating "rules". People have different expectations of how dates should progress and what to expect physically. I think it's based on local culture, family culture, religion, views on morality, and what people are looking for out of a date. Some people go on dates just to have a fun evening. Some people just want a one-night stand. Some people are specifically looking for a potential spouse. Some people are looking for a long-term relationship but don't want to get married.

My church offers guidelines on dating that I and many of my friends followed. That was the biggest influence on how I dated. I went to a church-owned college, too, so my friends and acquaintances there were more-or-less following the same guidelines. First off, a physical relationship is supposed to be pretty much restricted to kissing - everything more intimate is unacceptable until we're married. I know a lot of Americans don't share this belief these days, though. My church also suggests that we don't date until we are at least 16, and then pairing off as boyfriend/girlfriend is somewhat discouraged at that age. Once we are adults, we are encouraged to date with the goal of getting married. This was a bit stressful for many of my college friends because on the first date you knew that the guy was not just deciding whether he had a fun evening with you, he was already evaluating you as a potential wife (and vice versa). A lot of guys would ask the girl out for the following weekend at the end of the date, and if she turned him down, that was tantamount to saying that she had a lousy evening, even if she didn't.

I had a hard time going on dates with guys I didn't really know. I didn't get asked out much, but I find it difficult to get to know someone on a date. It was a lot easier for me to get to know someone in a more casual setting, then go out on a date when I already knew him. When my husband and I started dating, I had already known him for 12 years, and we had been good friends for about 5 years. We dated for about a year, and then he left the country for two years. I went on a few dates when he was gone, but no one really caught my interest. When he got back, we almost immediately got engaged, then married a few months later.

I think the bottom line is that everyone is different, and relationships progress generally at the rate that the people involved are comfortable with.

Deadly Chakram...

Ironic:
We were Yahoo Personals, too. I was the one that sent him the "ice breaker" (I had been on for a few months and had about given up on it actually working...hubby was on for three days when I sent him the message.)

And again:
First time on the phone about three hours...dinner and movie date also...hit it off perfectly, too--date started at 3:00 pm and ended (after our late night movie) when he left at 3:00 am. Fastest 12 hours ever! Strange how sometimes you just sorta "know"...

Yep! That would be a "ditto"...

Again--Just had our 6 year wedding anniversary this September and we're 8 years total together... ).

Anyway, when I was reading yours I couldn't help notice some of the similarities...(and both have two young kiddos, too).

Laura

Laura - that's freakily similar!

So, your first date ended around 3am. Mine lasted until 2am-ish. But I think ours started around 6-ish.

Now, tell me the movie was Star Wars Ep III!!!

MrsMxyzptlk and I have somewhat similar circumstances. I personally have a different view on relationships because of how I was raised, and because of my religion. I see it as a good thing, mostly, except for the part about a simple date suddenly becoming a stress because it's not just a fling, it could be a serious relationship (i.e. marriage).

For the most part, though, the way I go about relationships is simple. While I'm quite confident and outgoing among friends, I am incredibly shy around guys. I believe in the whole friends-first thing, just because I can't see having a relationship with someone who I can't be friends with (though I've had a couple of different guys in the past complain about feeling like they're in the so-called "Friend-zone" which I think is laughable). Currently, I am not seeing anyone, as I've recently gone through some crazy times and needed to focus on myself for a while, but there is this one guy... We're sort of dancing around just being friends right now. (Have I ever mentioned how much I relate to Lois? Too many similarities for my liking actually. Except the Superman thing...)

I can tell you about how most my friends approach relationships, because being a single 20 year old in the dating world sucks. :p I've got 3(?) friends getting married right now. One I've known my whole life and she ran off with him to Montana which is totally out of character, but she's known him for years now and they've always been getting into trouble together. One I don't really know that well, but I know the groom's side of the family well, and they've always been crazy impulsive, sneaking off and going on formal dates. And the other girl and I used to be best friends but we're certainly not anymore, so I learned about her engagement second hand (and OMG totally a bad fit but whatever).

Ranting aside, there's no real rules or customs for dating. I think what you described as apart of your customs applies anywhere. Sometimes it's looser here (lots of hookups and just little flings) and there's not a lot of pressure, and sometimes there's more. It's really a personal matter, I think. Kiss timing, as usual, always abides by the rule of "when the moment's right." Anytime when it's not, well, it's just not. And anything beyond that... well, that's a personal choice too. I guess it's all really open here. Some people are kind of on again/off again. I had a friend who I thought was dating someone (because they _were_) but then she denied it and they fell out of it, but now they're officially together again and who knows. All's fair.

Not to say there isn't pressure. Because there is sometimes. I don't know. I guess there's no real set rules is all I'm trying to get across. (BTW, I'll keep you posted if anything progresses on my front with my shy guy. It'll be interesting to say the least. )

Playing it
- Mouse

No, but that would have been very creepy if it was! It was "50 First Dates"--the one (and only) romantic comedy my husband has ever watched with me

It seems like meeting online has been fairly popular in this discussion, but with my friends/family, we really were the only ones that have met that way. My sister, and my two closest friends, all met their mates in college. My sister met her future husband at college, dated a month and then broke up, remained friends, and years later got together again (and have been married three years now). My closest friends both met who they are with in college--in classes that their mates happened to share with them.

I had had one serious relationship before my husband (and we met at in a college class we were both taking). I signed up on Yahoo Personals b/c I had moved to a bigger city with my sister, and we were both single. It was really hard to meet anyone--I tend to take awhile to really open up with new people...have to be comfortable to be myself , so I figured trying online was a good next step. Amazing how things just sorta happen the way they are supposed to...

The dating landscape has evolved quite a bit over the past twenty years. Some of it not very good.

The best advice; make sure the person is your best friend, one you can love and respect. Everything else will find its place.

My experience is somewhat like MrsMxyzptlk. I think we belong to the same religion and may well have gone to the same college.

Although while in college I would ask people out on dates who I barely knew. I got turned down a lot. Then I got married, but due to some problems, largely on my part, I got divorced. I have only done a very small amount of dating over the last 8 plus years. I recently tried seeing if we could at least be friends again, and she told me that although she forgave me, she could not be friends. It literally broke my heart.

I did not go on my first date until the month I turned 19. The only woman who I ever went on more than 3 dates with was the woman I married.

At 16, I met him in high school.
At 17, I realised he was pretty cool.
At 18, we started going out ie officially girlfriend and boyfriend.
At 19, we succumbed to multiple difficulties - no money, living in different cities to attend college, and parental disapproval on both sides - and broke up.
At 20, I went on a trip to England with my mother and spent most of the 10 weeks missing him. When I got home, I called him.
At 21, we got married.
28 years and 5 kids later, we're still together. Our 3rd child - who is 21 - will get married next month. Many people have said he is too young. His bride-to-be is 20. We have similar views to those expressed by mrsM and taught them to our children.

Not at all sure if our story is typical, but that's how it was for us.

A while back I was visiting my grandparents with some cousins, one of whom was 21 and engaged. On one side of the room my grandpa was complaining that my cousin was much too young to be getting married. On the other side of the room my grandma was telling about how she got married at 21. I don't think grandpa realized the hypocrisy. :p

One of my dad's cousins got married when she was 15. No one expected it to last (and no one could understand why her parents allowed it), but last year my parents attended her 50th wedding anniversary party (same husband). Most teenage relationships don't last, but occasionally it does work out.

What is considered an acceptable age to marry at depends a lot on family and local culture. When my sister and brother-in-law were married, his parents were frantic to get him married off before he turned 30 (all his brothers married straight out of high school). When he and my sister met, he was 27 and my sister was 22. They were both seminary students. It wasn't considered shocking that my sister, who had just finished her B.A., wasn't yet married, but for my future brother-in-law, 27 and never married made numerous people suspect (and hope) that he was gay. A number of hearts were broken when he proved to be straight but choosy. He and my sister were married about 6 weeks before his 30th birthday. His parents breathed a sigh of relief, then started anticipating grandchildren, which took 5 more years to come along.

My mom likes to tell a story about how she used to whisper above our cribs as babies (I have two sisters) that we shouldn't get married until we were 25. I eloped at 24. At the time one of my other sisters got married she told me she felt that she needed to hold off on her wedding until she was 25 (she got married a month before her 26th birthday). And my eldest sister didn't walk down the aisle until she was over 30 (possibly 35).

I'm the only one in my family to have children. When I got pregnant (at 33) I was terrified to tell my mother, because I could still remember her telling me (well, actually my older sister because I was the "good" one) that she BETTER NOT make her a grandmother. Talk about subliminal messaging...

The main reason I mentioned my son marrying at 21 was that I've been surprised by the generally negative response the couple have received - not from immediate family, but from extended family and friends.

What surprises me is that if they'd announced they were moving in together, I think the response would have been less negative.

Given that moving in together generally means sleeping together and sleeping together means the possibility of pregnancy, I can't really see why marriage is considered such a HUGE commitment, whereas moving in together is considered a more transitional stage.

If pregnancy occurs, the two people are tied together for the life of the child - often 50 years or more. Married, not married, actively despising each other, fighting battles in courts, niggling over details, together and in love - regardless of the situation, having a child with someone almost always means you're in relationship with that person for a very long time.

So why do some people think 21 is too young to make the commitment of marriage, but old enough to risk having a child with someone you aren't sure you want to be with for the rest of your life?

Which is the bigger risk?

I am immensely proud of my son that he loves his bride enough to commit to her in marriage.

I met my wife at church. Not just at church, but when I was a youth leader (i.e. adult lay-teacher) and she was a "youth". For 2-3 years we saw a lot of each other and got to know each other in activities with the group. Before we became interested in each other I knew her parents, brothers, both sets of grandparents, her friends, etc..

I knew how easily things could go wrong in the leader-youth situation so I was careful to the point of paranoia. Given our almost 8 year age difference I decided to formally ask her parent’s permission before we started dating. I also let the church leadership know. I wanted to do things right and I didn’t see that giving ourselves a bad reputation would show her that I cared about her.

We dated for a year. I was unemployed for a while when we were dating so we did a lot of inexpensive things together—picnics, barbecues, parks. Yes, I asked her parent’s permission then, too. We were engaged for a year and a half and have been married for 21 years.

By the way, we both feel that the proper length for an engagement is “long enough to plan and execute the wedding” and no longer.