As part of the Kerth ceremony, past winners were interviewed. Here are the interviews for everyone to enjoy.
Kerth Author InterviewsDavidHow did you feel when you won your Kerth?I was incredibly shocked when I got the message that I'd won a Kerth. And then my brain imploded and it oozed out of my ears. *g*
What do you remember about your acceptance speech?Oh, I remember every word. I wasn't there in person, but I managed to channel Sara psychically and use her as a vessel of acceptance...
Heh. Okay, maybe I'd just flaked out and left Sara with instructions to accept on my behalf, without a prepared speech because I was certain that I wasn't going to win. *g*
How has winning a Kerth changed your life?My whole life has turned around. It's like I'm famous - can't even walk down the street without being recognised these days.
Do you think winning a Kerth has made you a better writer?Absolutely. I'm even starting to learn how to use commas now and it's all down to the Kerth award. *g*
How do you cope with the media attention Kerth award winners get?Coping with the press was easy. Coping with Wendy's "reminders" about our bet? That was the hard stuff. *g*
Where do you keep your Kerth award? I keep my Kerth award in the kitchen. It looks good above my fridge and makes a *fantastic* butter knife!
YvonneHow did you feel when you won your Kerth?Wrong-footed.
What do you remember about your acceptance speech?That inspiration and success are not natural bed-partners – ie, my mind went blank.
How has winning a Kerth changed your life?Well, it’s a hard life being a Kerth winner. You find that doorways just aren’t wide enough to accommodate the larger ego you have to drag around with you all day long. Personally, I’ve taken to storing my ego in hyperspace along with Clark’s suit. I think it likes being snuggled up inside all that spandex.
Do you think winning a Kerth has made you a better writer?Oh, absolutely. I’m a dab hand at writing acceptance speeches these days.
How do you cope with the media attention Kerth award winners get?It’s tough. The paparazzi, the door-stepping journalists, the annoying phone-calls – I just don’t know where they all are! I’ve baked cakes, made sandwiches, bought cases of beer and wine – I even tried dum sum and sushi, but to no avail. I’m so lonely…
Where do you keep your Kerth award? Um…you mean I wasn’t supposed to sell it on Ebay?
LabRatHow did you feel when you won your Kerth?Honestly, it was something of a blur. Especially as I was perched on
the top of my wheel at the time - the better to see over the heads of
the audience to the podium - fell off with combined excitement/amazement
and whacked my head on my feed bowl. That put a bit of a crimp in my
acceptance speech, I can tell you.
What do you remember about your acceptance speech?Not much. See above. All those little birdies flying around in a
circle above my head and squawking kind of drowned it out. Thank heavens
for Pam's transcripts or I'd not know to this day what I said!
How has winning a Kerth changed your life?Hmmmmm. Not terribly. Bernie feeds me a celebratory pellet mix when I
win and fills my water bowl with champagne. But he had to cancel the
story-signing tour. *embarrassed* They wouldn't let me in the stores due
to health regulations. But other than that, still stuck in the cage, so
options for life changes are limited.
Do you think winning a Kerth has made you a better writer?It made me aware I had to do even better with my next story and work
harder so I didn't become a Kerth hasbeen! What made me a better writer
though was Bernie building me an easier to use keyboard. Cos, you know,
it's hard writing in the early hours of the morning when the staff have
gone home and the lights in the lab are off and you just have the light
of the computer screen. Bernie's keyboard has it's own lights! And they
flash on and off in different colours and play Halleluiah when I finish
a story! Pretty dang cool. Oh and FoLC FDK. FoLC FDK is an awesome power
for writing good in the universe!
How do you cope with the media attention Kerth award winners get?Sadly, I don't get that much. Hard, shiny, metal things don't really
have much appeal for my neighbours. Gerald (he's the gerbil three cages
down) did show some minor interest, but once he discovered he couldn't
actually eat the Kerth, he lost interest. Clark Kent did ask me for my
autograph once - but I think it was a joke. He thinks Bernie exaggerates
my intelligence. He keeps telling Lois he thinks Bernie's writing this
stuff on his own and pretending it's all my fault because he's
embarrassed to be writing anything other than science papers and his
colleagues will think he's silly. Lois says if twitching noses and a
cute tail made a writer, then they'll all be in trouble at the Planet. I
usually 'accidentally' kick my food pellets at her when she says that.
I'd kick pellets at Clark, too, but he's cute.
Where do you keep your Kerth award?Well, I tried to keep it in the corner of my cage, but there just
wasn't enough straw to hide that baby. Cos, you know, those things are
BIG. Huge! And there's this spotlight just over my cage that made it all
sparkly - it looks even bigger when the light's on it, you know. And
then when I built up a bit of a collection...it started getting crowded
in there. So now Bernie keeps them on the top shelf in his office. No
one notices them in among all his awards for Scientific....whatever he
does....and I can see them when he leaves the door open between his
office and the lab. So that works out okay.
Chris CarrHow did you feel when you won your Kerth? I wish I could say that I was gobsmacked, amazed and in need of oxygen. But that would be a lie. As far as I can remember, I felt nauseous, hungover, and -- to be frank -- in need of a shower. Not to mention terrified of the woman in the next cell to mine. You should have seen her tattoos!
When I'd sobered up enough for the news to sink in, I was pretty chuffed. Then again, who wouldn't be? And I was grateful to all those lovely folcs who had voted for my story. And to the GE who edited my story for the archive. And to my beta-readers. And my parents, family and friends, who have supported me all my life. And to the neighbour's dog, just because.
/me blushes prettily and modestly.
And I do remember thinking, well, hey, about darn bally time I won something!
Hang on a mo'. Can we go back? I mean, we can edit that bit about 'about time' out, right? I don't mean to sound immodest here. My PR agent warned me about that kind of thing. After my last interview, he said that, if that happened again, he'd have to drop me, and I really, really don't want him to do that. I mean, without him, I'm nada. Zilch.
What do you mean, we can't? Oh, *&$^£"%$.
What do you remember about your acceptance speech? Absolutely nothing. I would tell you that I wasn't at either ceremony, but that would actually be a lie, as I'm sure you know. I mean, it was in all the newspapers.
Oh? You don't remember the scandal? Well, let me fill you in. It's quite a funny story, though it wasn't very funny at the time. Not with the fines and the court appearances and all that. But anyway. I'm getting ahead of myself.
The first year I won, I started drowning my sorrows at about twelve noon in preparation for not winning anything. (Remember, I had several years of experience to draw on here.) So, by the time the awards had started I had drunk myself under the table, been removed from the ceremony by security guards, and arrested by some of Metropolis's finest. I sort of have a hazy recollection of throwing up on an Inspector Henderson's shoes and causing a... what do you call it...? Oh, yeah. A breach of the peace.
Mind you, that uniformed officer should never have left his squad car unattended. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to sing those alternative words to God Save The Queen over the megaphone. Nor would I have been able to tell all the jokes about President Garner.
I woke up in the drunk tank three days later. Then I had to appear in court, was found guilty and fined. And then I was deported.
The next year I couldn't make the awards either. I'm blacklisted. That's what happens after deportation. I'm told the ban on my entry to the States might be lifted in around 2015, but that will depend on getting clemency from the President. Which I doubt I'll get. I mean, those jokes were... well... pithy, to say the least. And even if the future President doesn't much like Garner, he or she'll probably still feel some kind of solidarity with him. Presidential solidarity. You know.
Incidentally, that ban is why I can't be with you all tonight. I hope you're all having a fantastic time, though.
How has winning a Kerth changed your life? Besides never being able to go back to the States, you mean?
Completely, actually. On the back of the award, I was able to get myself a good PR agent. Celebrity really has nothing to do with being good at anything so much as finding yourself a good PR agent. And in Harold 'Cut-throat' Aspery-Smythe I found the best. Thanks to him, I sold my life story to the tabloids for a seven figure sum, appeared on chat shows... and then managed to market my own brand of scent.
In six months, I was a multi-millionaire. And then I found myself a footballer to marry.
We're divorced now, of course. The alimony is great.
Do you think winning a Kerth has made you a better writer? Oh, absolutely! How could having that little perspex award not improve my skills?
Back when I was younger, my parents, teachers and sundry other role models kept on telling me that hard work, perseverance and study would give me the skills I needed for life... and for writing.
How wrong they all were!
The guys that make the awards are genuises. Somehow they manage to capture the magical essence of what it is to be a writer. People who haven't won a Kerth really can't understand how it feels to bathe in the vibes the awards give off. It's like... Well. The best way I can describe it is... like having a Glade air freshener that, instead of giving off sickly fake floral scents, gives off eau de inspiration and grammar know-how, and drip feeds the niceties of semi-colon, comma and colon usage into your brain. Very handy. Very cool.
So, yes, winning a Kerth -- a couple actually -- certainly has made me a better writer.
Of course, my first Kerth is running low on juice these days, which probably explains my recent poor productivity as a fanfic author.
How do you cope with the media attention Kerth award winners get? With difficulty. All those papparazzi with their long lenses and intrusive questions. For the first twelve months, it was all kind of fun. But after a while, the novelty wore off. I couldn't go out in public any more without being accosted by rabid folcs. I'd go to the restaurant and people would thrust napkins in my face for me to sign. "Please sign this for Aunt Flo!" "Uncle Bobby is in hospital having a chest hair transplant. I know his recovery would go so much faster if you could just write him a message." And, my personal favourite, "Please can I have your autograph for my unborn great grandchildren."
Eventually, the attention got way too much for me, and I decided to become a hermit. I changed my name, moved to the outer reaches of civilisation and, finally, I'm beginning to come to terms with my past.
Actually, that last bit is a lie. I'm totally at peace with my past, and the only reason I moved away from the city is that my PR agent suggested it. He says owning a castle and hiding myself away adds to my mystique and allure. I can add an extra ten thou onto my fee for appearances these days, just for being a hermit. Oh, and I haven't changed my name.
Can we take that bit out? I think I've been a bit indiscreet.
We can't? Oh, *&$^£"%$.
Where do you keep your Kerth award? I carry them everywhere with me. I sleep with them on either side of the bed. I shower with them, shop with them... even date with them.
What? No. I don't think that's weird. Why? Do you?
Okay, are we done now?
Great. You can leave my fee on the hall table, on your way out.
WendyHow did you feel when you won your Kerth? I don't really remember. I was too busy trying to reassemble my chair after I fell off it.
What do you remember about your acceptance speech? I think I fainted twice during it. Maybe DocJill will remember it better than I do?
How has winning a Kerth changed your life? I've never looked back. Fame, fortune, the cover of Romance magazine, you know, all of it... Well, I'm still waiting for it to happen, really. Still, looking back is such a sad thing to do, which is why I've never done it.
Do you think winning a Kerth has made you a better writer? I don't know; has it? Though I suppose you lot out there wouldn't know any more. After all, I did just dump you all for a completely different fandom. Dunno if that makes me a better writer or just a fickle one!
How do you cope with the media attention Kerth award winners get? Well, these days I never go out without a baseball cap and sunglasses. You have to be so careful, you know. These paparazzi get everywhere. And as for the autograph-hunters...! I can't even go to Six Flags in California or the Italian Alps or invite people to visit without getting mobbed, you know. Some days I just have to stay inside. Sigh... it's such a difficult life, being famous
Where do you keep your Kerth award? Mounted on the bonnet of my car, of course. Well, who needs a Flying Lady, anyway?
I thought they were bigger? Yes, so did I. That was a bit of a disappointment, all right. I almost sent them back and asked for replacements. Quality these days, really! Still, I suppose painted plastic doesn't come cheap. But if you manage to get the direction of the light just right they look a little bigger - that'll have to do.
What advice would you give to a new author who's hoping to be standing on this podium some day? Practice deep breathing and get some anti-shock therapy. Then maybe you won't fall off the stage when you're trying to accept an award. Failing that, cosy up to a winner and offer to collect their Kerth for them.
ML ThompsonHow did you feel when you won your Kerth?I didn't really feel anything. I was in a dead faint on the floor.
What do you remember about your acceptance speech?What acceptance speech? I just told you I'd passed out.
How has winning a Kerth changed your life?Well, it taught me the value of keeping smelling salts on hand. And soft places to land. It definitely taught me the value of having a soft place to land.
Do you think winning a Kerth has made you a better writer?I'm not sure. I guess the question is whether the head injury I suffered when I passed out hurt or helped my writing. Uhh... what was the question again?
How do you cope with the media attention Kerth award winners get?I had to install electrified fences around my property and I taught my dog how to bite.
Where do you keep your Kerth award?Oh, well, you know me. I just toss them in the bottom drawer. And if you start that rumour again about a lighted trophy case, I swear I'll sue!
PaulHow did you feel when you won your Kerth?My niece (the younger of the two - about 2 years old) does this thing
when she gets really excited (like if you ask her if she wants ice
cream). She starts bouncing up and down and shaking so fast that, if
you're holding her, you start to wonder if you've left your cell phone
on vibrate mode.
I didn't expect it to hit me like that, but it's about the best
description I can think of. I mean, it was just a Super Short, but
man... my heart was fluttering, my skin was tingling, and my mind was in
panic mode.
What do you remember about your acceptance speech?Mostly, what I remember is that the ever-so-amusing and flippant speech
I'd prepared just on the off chance that I'd need it (never thinking I
actually would) flew straight out of my head. I was just buzzing.
I remember I was in the car at the time. Mom was driving. So I glanced
over at the speedometer. I think I said something about how she had us
going 80mph, and I felt like my head was going even faster.
What I had planned to say, by the way, was:
Wow! My first Kerth! This is amazing! But, as the category is "Super
Short," I believe my feelings at this time can best be summed up using
the... er... *word* of the great monosyllabic orator of our times, Keanu
Reeves.
"*WHOA*"
Thank you.
How has winning a Kerth changed your life?Quite a bit. It used to be that I was just some guy who wrote short
fiction for a small group on the internet.
Now, though... Now I'm some guy who wrote *award-winning* short fiction
for a small group on the internet.
That changes everything, baby.
It's a great pick-up line, too. "Hey, baby. Wanna come over to my hard
drive and take a look at my Kerth?"
Do you think winning a Kerth has made you a better writer?If I say yes, will you give me another one?
How do you cope with the media attention Kerth award winners get?Ah, yes. That was difficult at first. I kept getting all these
sponsorship offers and things. I tried to explain to them that, whatever
Barbara Trevino might say, L&C fic had nothing to do with natural male
enhancement (much less some of the other things they're trying to sell),
but they kept sending me those emails.
Looking the messages over, I noticed the startlingly poor grammar and
spelling. This prompted me to offer my services as a GE, but somehow
they didn't seem interested. What can you do?
Nowadays, I just let my new friend, The Thunderbird, deal with them for
me. Somehow, being greeted at the door by a giant blue bird (who is, I
should mention, on good terms with Godzilla's mother, Mozilla) seems to
convince them that perhaps they should look elsewhere for celebrity
endorsements.
Where do you keep your Kerth award?Well, I printed it out the very day I received it. With the full
intention of framing it and hanging it on the wall.
At the moment, though, it's sitting in a specially-designed display case
cleverly disguised as a suitcase full of stuff that I never quite
managed to put away. It's the only way I can be sure that no one
(especially that thieving Tooth Fairy) makes off with it in the
meantime. If they did, I'd have to print out a new copy!
Tricia
