Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Fanfic Related What I've Learned from L&C Fanfiction

The idea for this one just popped up on IRC, so I volunteered to begin it. You all get the drift of it, I think.


1. Never register yourself and your work partner in a hotel as man and wife; it may come back to haunt you.


Now it's your turn--if you have any ideas.

2. If you have a secret identity, think of a few *good* excuses ahead of time so that you'll have one ready when you need to dash off suddenly.

~Anna

LOL! Great idea, Doran!

Hmm... let's see...

3. Never assume anyone's dead just because you're told so.

4. Dreams aren't always just dreams.

5. If you're the bad guy, you're probably going to die.

That's all I can think of right now.

Sara

6. Just when you think everything's going well, an interdimensional time traveler will come to interrupt your life and separate you and your spouse.

He he, I like this!

7. There is no relationship problem that can't be solved by flying down to Kansas and talking it through with your parents. And if you'd only done that 100 pages ago, then this fic would be a lot shorter and a lot less angsty

Helga

8. If you're not a main character in a superhero's life, and you find out who he really is, your days (minutes) are numbered!

I was thinking of Mayson and then also Bud Collins (?)

Edit: Oops! That's for the show. Does it work for fanfiction too?

Irene

I think it works for fanfiction too - especially if you're the bad guy

9. If I fall in love with someone I will tell him now, and not shyly procrastinate, thereby dooming the object of my affection to perish just as I was getting up the courage to make my feelings known.

TEEEEEJ

10. If I have a friend who never seems to be around when the Hero shows up and clobbers the Bad Guys, I will draw the appropriate conclusions.

TEEEEEJ

11. If the Hero tells me he wants to break up with me or quit his dangerous job for my protection, it's already too late; a kidnapping is already in the planning, and I will take all reasonable precautions against it.


TEEEEEEEJ

12. If you take your wife for a romantic dinner and she orders frogs' legs - assume you're in deep deep doodoo.

LabRat

13. Never run back for your teddy bear or cute puppy.

TEEEEJ

14. If you have a friend named Jimmy, you can say good-bye to your sex life.

gerry

If your name is Clark, a lot of authors like to hurt you. A lot. Take cover and run from green things.

16. The average Kryptonian male takes between 5 seconds and 5 days to recover from exposure to Kryptonite.

Yvonne

17. Never walk in to a wine-cellar alone.

18. Making love with two men at the same time isn't wrong--as long as both of them are your husband who was split apart by an imp from the fifth dimension

19. Be careful what you wish for out loud. An imp from the 5th demension may show up and grant you it.

20.If you get doused with Kryptonite, never go home alone and make sure everybody with you has a can of mace and a baseball bat.

subdued TEEJ/who *just* got done reading What Makes a Man <shuddddddderrrrss>

Edit to add: I am in NO WAY busting on SQD's writing, the writing, as usual with SQD, was awesome...the *situation* however...<shudddddderrrrs>

21. Newsroom coffee stinks.

Learned that one at work, too. <g>

JD

22. - give some careful thought to choosing your living room sofa

23 - hang around for a few minutes longer and save yourself a lot of heartbreak ( like… uh… don’t jump to conclusions)

24 - If the stuff glows in the dark, regardless of its being liquid or solid or its colour, don’t touch, inhale, or drink it

25 - sit down and actually talk to the people you care about … and save a lot of heartbreak

26 - men who are good cooks are hard to find

27 - there is no life crisis for which there is not an inspirational Elvis parable

c. (love this thread )

28 - a farmboy's best friend is his mom; a city girl's best friend is chocolate

29 - although it might also be Bill Henderson <g>

c.

30. When you're called to the morgue to identify your girlfriend's body, insist on a DNA test. It might be someone else, surgically altered to look like her.

PJ

31. Always carry a spare bag of gold nuggets. You never know when you'll be stranded in time and in need of fuel.

32. If someone asks you to smash yourself into a giant asteriod composed of the one substance in the universe that can kill you, make absolutely certain that there is no better way to deal with the threat.

33. There are no limits to the number of things that can happen in the time after you get shot at point-blank range by a gangster from the past.

34. If you get shot by a gangster at point-blank range, even in front of dozens of witnesses, there is always something better that you can do rather than fake your own death, wallow in self-pity, and let your partner grieve for you.

35. If you think you have defeated the bad guy, make sure to kill him an extra 2 or 3 ways, just to be absolutely certain.

36. Stranding a time-travelling villain in the past is not an effective means of incarceration.

37. Always be suspicious of natural disasters. They are usually an attempt by the gods to keep you away from your partner at a crucial moment.

38. If you have a secret identity, make sure to tell your true love sooner rather than later. Chickening out now will only cause even more problems for you down the road.

39. If mysterious aliens claiming to be from your home planet suddenly show up to ask you to leave your home, your friends, your family, and your fiance in order to deal with some civil war halfway across the galaxy on a barren rock where you won't have any super powers and where you'll have to deal with a fuedal government and an arranged marriage to a woman you've never met before... Just say no.

40. Just because your wife turns out to be a clone, don't write her off. It's not her fault, and you know she has good genes...

41. You can save time on baths and help get rid of that annoying smokey odor in your clothes by plunging into the ocean on your way home.

42. Never take Utopia for granted.

Paul

P.S. TEEEEEEJ, some of yours seem kind of familiar. Are you sure you learned them from L&C Fic?

OH heck yeah!! I used the list Paul...they work don't they? I copied that list to my hard drive to help with my stories. The one about going home alone though...I came up with THAT one myself. <shudddddders>

TEEEEEJ/ spelled YRRRRRH if my fingers are wrong on the keyboard.

43. You can suffer kidnapping, memory loss, cloning, cryogenic-like freezing, and learning that your boyfriend is an alien all without having any negative psychological affects.

Lynn

44. Even if you're another Clois clone, you can still survive thanks to helpful scientists!

45. Never piss off Lex if he's after your affections. He might turn something in Mother Nature, to something man-made!

46. Don't kiss your ex-girlfriend in front of Lois. It will only make her angry and we all know how bad "Mad Dog Lane" can get.

47. Ghosts really don't exist. So if you think you're talking to the ghost of Lois Lane, you might want to investigate astral projection.

48. On the other hand, should the ghost in question start writing on your mirror you might reconsider the issue of whether or not they exist.


Wendy

ML

49) Babies really do get delivered by stork. Or H.G. Wells. Or... something.

50) Just tell her already, you idiot!

51) Not checking for Lois's heartbeat in the area before changing from one identity or the other, or undressing, is not the most brilliant idea you've ever had.

52) However, if #50 is too much of an issue for you, #51 is a pretty quick way to get it over with.

53. There is no situation so dire, so hopeless, that you can't get out of unscathed at the last minute.

54. Lex Luthor will die. And die. And die. And die. And die. And die. And...

55. Tempus never gives up.

56. Watch that red Kryptonite - it might not hurt you the way the green stuff does, but it can be way more harmful!

57. And speaking of Kryptonite, there is an never-ending supply of the stuff.

58. Don't underestimate that loopy, on-another-planet scientist you just happen to know - he can become skilled in any area of medicine, even obstetrics and gynaecology!


Wendy

59. If there's stuff you don't like in the show, just pretend it never happened. Ever. What baby?

Helga

60. If you go to New Krypton, there's a 98% chance you'll be back within the week.

61. Don't ever tell your true love "I have something important to tell you later" -- the "later" will never arrive, because in the meantime, she'll have figured you out and be really ticked that you didn't tell her.

PJ

62.NEVER go home alone, just *forget* it, stay at a hotel or bring 4 people with you....<shudders>

TEEEEEJ/just finished reading "In a Dark Time"

63. If you go to New Krypton, there's a 1.9% chance that you'll come back in 1-10 years and your fiance will have been raising your child while you were gone.

64. If you live in a dimention where you have yet to find your soul mate, you will be thoroughly tortured before being allowed to be together.

~Anna

65. Never play Old Maid with an old maid.
66. Always do the math, count your change, and wear clean underwear on the first date.
67. Only Lois Lane can hail a cab without really trying.

68. Individuals of different species with entirely different evolutionary backgrounds can still produce offspring.

69. Always be suspicious of natural disasters. Barring #37 above, they are an attempt by the mad scientist of the week to take over the world.

70. It is still possible to shave oneself using heat vision even when blind.

71. It is still possible to shave oneself using heat vision when one has amnesia and doesn't know that one even has heat vision.

72. If you have amnesia and someone tells you that you wear glasses, just go with it and wear them even if your vision is already perfect and the glasses don't do anything.

73. Eyes aren't "brown". They're "chocolate".

74. Constantly threatening to fire your employees if they don't give in to your unreasonable assignments is an effective means of motivating them.

75. Sending a reporting team to a therapy retreat to get them together romantically is an acceptable use of company funds.

76. Marry a man you don't know and don't love because he has a private jet and you only marry men who fly.

77. Glasses and hair gel are the best disguise. Nobody will recognize you, not even your best friend.

78. Don't trust in darn, nice guys.

79. A giant asteroid can be days away from striking Earth without anybody detecting it.

80. If you have a friend hacker you can find ANY information on the internet - birth and death certificates, bank accounts, blueprints, past jobs, etc...

81. If there's an alien invasion they will land in Metropolis and the first place they will go is the Daily Planet.

82. The most important press conferences are held in front of the Daily Planet.

83. If you replace a work colleague for another person and keeps the same name nobody will notice it. It also applies to the Lane family members.

84. Keep the villains talking - they will always tell you what they did or intend to do - and afterwards you will escape and nail them.

This one's actually true. Sometimes we don't find asteroids until after they've narrowly missed us.

What never made sense to me was how Nightfall passed between Earth and the Sun the way it did but was still on a collision course. The geometry just doesn't work. Maybe I'm not accounting properly for the Earth's gravitational pull on it, but it seems like the writers just didn't think it through. ::end rant::

85.You can jump from a penthouse and lose your hair.
86. Never, ever connect the dots. Superman and Clark Kent look nothing alike.

mrsMxyzptlk said: You are correct, but it's even worse than that. If you look at the physics of casting a shadow, something as small as Nightfall can't cast a shadow more unless it's pretty much right on top of you.

I did a quick calculation. Based on a diameter of 17 miles across, to cast a shadow that reached the ground, Nightfall would have had to be less than 2000 miles away. If it was moving at 30,000 mph (as the script says) then it would have hit (or missed) the Earth approximately 4 minutes after everyone saw the shadow.

This is one of the reasons that Bev continuously tells me to stop analyzing the so-called science when we watch tv or movies.
Bob

You know, Bob, I'm the same way. I don't mind if there's a reasonable amount of Handwaving and Techno Babble if that moves the story along, avoids tedious exposition, or sets up something important.

But I don't like it when stuff is *obviously* stupid or impossible. That really messes up my Willing Suspension of Disbelief .

I have to agree with that. I'm the same way.

That being said - at which number were we?

87. Your future - and that of your family and far-off descendants is not set in stone.
88. Super powers are dominant. Most of the time.
89. If you're Kryptonian and grew up on Earth, you'll learn from your kids how to use your telepathic talent.
90. Despite you and your spouse being from different planets and scientist saying you can't sire children, you will have a number of them. Because a time-traveller in a bowler hat said so. (Your oldest child might be cloned from you, or be born by your birth wife on NK, though.)

91. Adoptive parents will love their kid(s) more than birth parents.

92. Amnesia is a common aliment in Metropolis.

93. It doesn't matter how gorgeous of a woman you are, slap a mustache on you and possibly a toupee, and lower your voice, and men will instantly think you're one of them.

94. 2 out 3 psychologists should be avoided at all costs. (okay, technically, I learned that from TV)

95. Don't trust people from the government to actually be who they say they are.

96. There's someone out there for everyone, even if you're an alien from another planet.

97. How to marry a superhero: be mean his alter ego, hate his ties and almost marry his arch enemy.

97b. Lie to his alter-ego, steal his work, and drool on his Spandex to make sure he knows that you're still interested.
97c. Also make sure you take advantage of him (in and out of Uniform) whenever possible.
97d. Reject his advances and make fun of his family.

Hmmmm... 'How to Marry a Superhero' might end up being a thread of it's own.

98. All of your descendants and ancestors will look just like you.

99. All of their acquaintances will look just like people you know, too.

100. The Kent family will have at least one member work for the Planet for generations to come.
101. People know a map from the local Sewage Reclamation Facility on sight. (Okay, that's also from the show...)
102. Lois is always right (unless she isn't).
103. Lois always tries to stay out of trouble (by heading straight into it).
104. Lois always has a plan. Kind of. It just doesn't usually work.

(From hours and hours of reading fanfic I also learned how many kB I can read in plain text format (txt) per hour. Come to think of it, my English vocabulary increased greatly from reading fanfics here, too. Especially the kind of stuff you never learn at school.)

105. Tomato paste is an aphrodisiac.
106. It's not easy to make butter chicken.
107. Let HIM do the cooking, let HER do the talking.

Actually, I have seen fan fics run recovery time into weeks.

108. When you don't want to get pregnant you will, when you want to get pregnant it will be totally impossible.

Isn't that Murphy's Law?

109. There are major natural disasters all over the world at least weekly.

110. Emergency services and the police are incompetent to the point that Superman is required to intervene every time he hears sirens.

111. Natural disasters and sirens always happen whenever Clark is trying to have an important conversation.

112. A Lois from an alternate universe will immediately fall in love with Clark when they meet.

Is this really so unbelievable?

113. It's not what you can do, or how much money you have that makes you attractive, but who you are.

114. If Lois says more than two sentences at a time, she is babbling, and it is not considered rude to point that out and tell her to shut up.