Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Fanfic Challenge Clark Kent 101- Rules to Live By

Turnabout is fair play. If Lois gets her own instruction manual (See the Lois Lane 101 thread ), then so should Clark.

And to start it off:

Rule #1 - He may be super, but he isn't perfect.

Rule #2 - He can be incredibly stubborn. At times, you need to be even more so. At other times, you need to swallow your pride and go along with what he wants. The trick is to know which time is which.

Rule #3 - His heart is always in the right place, but that doesn't mean his head is.

Rule #4 - He's a lot more than a simple hack from Nowheresville.

Rule #5 - He's not as absentminded as all of his "I forgot..." excuses would have you believe. Look closer!

Rule #6 - Do I have to spell it out for you? Hello! Duh! Clark Kent is Superman!

Rule #7 - If you ever need help trying to understand him, just ask Martha.

Rule #8 - If you see him cock his head like a bird, be prepared for him to take flight.

Rule #9 - He may be (nearly) invulnerable physically, but he is very vulnerable emotionally. Handle with care.

Anyone want to see if we can reach 100 rules?

Joy,
Lynn

p.s., Just an aside: Tomorrow starts a new semester for me -- one that I anticipate being insanely busy. I'll probably become very quiet on the MB again for the next few months. :-( I'll try to drop by as time permits.

Rule #10 - If he tries to break up with you for your own good, don't let him get away with it.

Rule #11 = Keep him away from any rocks that glow green. Or red. Or any other colour, for that matter.

Rule #12 - Always let him go first. He'll feel more manly, and you'll be able to check out things from behind.

Rule 12a -- Make sure he doesn't have his fingers crossed.

Rule #13 - Keep away from people named Mayson.

Rule #14 - A kiss/declaration of love is a good way of keeping him in Metropolis when it looks like he's going to run away.

Rule #15 - Failing #14 - look into microchipping/Lojacking him. It'll make him a lot easier to find.

Rule #16 - Ask youself if any of his lame excuses *really* make any sense. When in doubt, investigate. If it sounds too bizzarre (ie Cheese of the Month club) it probably isn't true.

Rule #17 - You can use "lunkhead" as a term of endearment with him.

Rule #18 - For sex, just feed him pasta.

Rule #18a - When following the above rule, be warned that he may be insatiable. He *is* Superman, after all.

You'd be surprised: Cheese of the Month Club

Rule #19 - He is not schizophrenic, he just has a bad habit of talking about himself in the third person.

Rule #20 - He is not schizophrenic but he can get jealous of himself. Don't pine over him when he is wearing the suit.

Rule #21 - Never give him a plain, monochromatic tie.

Rule #22 - If lunkhead side of him becomes out of control, call in the big guns: his mother.

Rule #23 - 1000 watt grin is exceedingly helpful to increased libido...daily use is recommended

Rule #24 - Deep copper brown gaze has been known to cause swooning...also recommended daily...several doses




TEEEEEEJ

Rule #25 - If he runs off on you in the middle of a conversation, take a deep breath. It's not you and it's not him. It's someone needing help.

Rule #26- If Clark Kent dies in front of you, make a call to his parents in Smallville for advice. Hopefully they'll give you a little solace in a way you may not realize.

Rule #27 - If you are not ready to accept his proposal, be sure to emphasize that "not yet" does NOT mean "never."

Joy,
Lynn

Rule #28- Never, ever let him push you away, especially when affected by Red Kryptonite. He needs your help more than ever on those occasions.

Rule #29- When New Kryptonians arrive to have him come with them, be supportive but make sure he knows where you stand on the decision.

Rule #30- When Clark is injured, be worried. Very worried.

Rule #31 - If approached by an older English gentleman claiming to be HG Wells, and Clark decides to follow him, don't hesitate to go along. Chances are you've done it before and you'll do it again.

Rule #32 - Clark is your soulmate. Knowing that may save you a lot of grief on down the road and make forgiveness easier to find.

Rule #33 - Yes, forgiveness will be necessary in your relationship. Refer to rules containing the words "lunkhead" or "stubborn".

Rule #34 - Clark is a v... very patient man. Patience, however unlikely, may be necessary on your side as well. Keep that in mind before jumping his bones. It may just save you.

Rule #35 - Though he may seem be two sides of the coin, he's very jealous of his Super side. Make sure you let him know that you love his Clark side more. (repeat as often as necessary)

Rule #36 - When going anywhere outside of Metropolis (and sometime within), please take him along with you.

Rule #37 - If he seems to be psychic, it's only because he has super hearing and he's been listening in on your conversations.
- #37B - Never say anything outloud you wouldn't want Clark to hear (unless you know he's safely out of town).

Rule #38 - Be careful what you inadvertantly wish for, unless you really, really want it. This applies to (but not limited by): snow from the Andees, huge bars of Swiss chocolate, pearls from Japan, or enough French cheese to last you a year.

Rule #39 - Clark may wear leaded glasses only when he is in his civvies, but his rose-coloured glasses never come off.

Rule #40 - For best results, place into direct sunlight.

Rule #41 - Keep a 2X4 (or other heavy, blunt object of your choice) handy at all times. You never know when he may say or do something stupid and needs some sense knocked into him.

Rule #41b - Or remind him that he's Superman.

Too true! Of course, you could always just chuck him off a roof if he forgets it... which is actually quite a big possibility.

Waite a minute. Is Kent healthy? I mean he's all the time going to the dentist, the doctor or the bath room, never mind the video store and post office.

<chuckle> He must not be. After all, look at how many prescriptions he has to have filled.

Joy,
Lynn

I finally figured out why Kent is at the dentist so much: he loves junk food.

Now there's a humorous story waiting to be written. Clark gets kryptonite poisoning which results in his losing his powers for a few months. During that time, he gains weight and gets a toothache. Of course, by the end of the story, he'd be full powered and trim again. But in the meantime, he would be subjected to his first ever dentist appointment and would have to work out at the gym.

He'd get to see how the other half lived.

Joy,
Lynn

Originally posted by SJH:
(All I changed was the Rule # when transferring from the Rules for living with Lois thread)

Rule #44: Ethics lesson: While it is acceptable for you to x-ray his butt to check out his underwear; please remind him, it is not acceptable for him to x-ray your butt to check out yours. Nor for him to suggest that he could x-ray through your non-lead-lined clothing.

Today's double standard, brought to this list from Deadly Chakram's addition to the Rules for Lois list.

<That would be me, laughing so hard that I am crying>

I hope you don't mind but I'm moving this over to the rule for Clark over on the Lois Lane Rules side.

If you wanted to rewrite this rule for Lois, perhaps this change might work: If Lady Zara comes to town and you've got Superman's powers (i.e. you're Ultra Woman), best if you stay away from her. Clark won't like if it you kill anyone, even if they deserve it.

Just another reminder for the confused.

THIS list is written by Clark Kent for Alt-Clark on best way to woo Lois, keep her happy & safe, and stop her from driving Clark crazy (if possible).

As opposed to:

THIS (as in the one you are currently reading) list is (I'm assuming) the same for Lois Lane (or Alt-Lois) for managing Clark/Superman (alt-Clark). (My assumption is based that I only started the other list, not this one. )

#46: Never say anything bad about small town people - you might be insulting his parents.
#47: Don't let him stop you from anything. If you do it anyway, he'll just go along.
#48: You'll learn that "flyboy" is one step up from "farmboy".
#49: Let him do the household chores. They'll get done much faster, and leave more time for much nicer occupations.
#50: Never try to give him a hickey.
#51: Don't believe everything he tells you.
#51a: If it's a lame excuse, don't believe it.
#51b: However, if what he tells you sounds rather outrageous, it's probably true. (Like him being able to order breakfast in over 200 languages, or him having learned ballroom dancing from a Nigerian princess, or your fiancé being a criminal mastermind...)
#52: If you want to save money on airfare, steal his glasses and take a good look at his face.
#53: Don't jump to conclusions when you find your boss in Clark's closet. :p
#54: Trust me. He's not interested in Cat Grant.
#55: Don't steal Clark's story - you will regret it.
#55a: If you do steal his story, avoid the Metropolis Sewage Reclamation Facility like the plague.
#55b: If you don't, at least pack enough mosquito repellant to last you a life time and be sure to have some clothes at work that you can change into.
#56: When he gives you a completely strange suggestion for a leading question in an important interview - just go with it. (Even if it's about baseball.)
#57: Don't worry about introducing him to your family, they won't be able to scare him off.
#58: If there's something you don't want Clark to know, don't tell Superman about it - they're close. Very close.

Well, she can try...

#59 - If Clark happens to get shot in front of you, please note the absence of any blood. Now, think long and hard about what that means.

#60 - If Clark is ever sick, be very, *very* worried.

#61 - Do not let Clark train to duel in your apartment unless you *like* having the place look like World War III.
#61a - If you *do* allow the above, please be sure to remove your fragile/irreplacable items.

Rule #62 - Keep away from Jason Trask, Bureau 39, faux EPA agents, and lie detectors.

Rule #63 - Keep away from Lex Luthor; Clark might try to heal Lex if he gets shot. Best to just let Luthor die. (Just trust me on this one.)

Rule #64 - Keep away from Perry's son, Jerry White.

Rule #65 - Keep away from anyone with the last name Newtrich.

Rule #66 - Patience is a virtue. Remind him to spin *out* of the suit before getting amorous.

Other than in SLV does he ever forget this?

Rule #67 - Clark has his own set of "rules" (code, creed, whatever) that he lives by:
#67a - Thou shall not kill a human (no matter how much they deserve it).
#67b - Thou shall not harm a human (no matter how much they deserve it).
#67c - Thou shall be honest (unless trying to hide one's secret identity, especially from anyone named Lois).
#67d - Thou shall follow the laws of the land (unless working with Lois on an investigative reporting assignment).

No, but that was almost an epic disaster.

Rule #68 - Clark may be able to speak 347 languages fluently, but his accents can be quite bad.

Rule#69 Clark,sweetie, those little black box things with wires sticking out of them are explosive devices,not fresh veggies. You dont have to swallow them.Also not a good idea to set on one- an explosive device or fresh veggies.

I think this (#69) belongs in the Lois list.

Nope. It belongs here. Lois Rules are rules about living with Lois. This rule, although speaking directly to Clark , tells Clark not to eat bombs... or sit on them --definitely about Clark. It doesn't really help him with Lois.

Huh? All other rules in this list are for Lois on how to live with Clark. This rule, however, is for Clark on how to live. (With or without Lois.)

LJK, Perhaps we (or Lynn who started this list) can recommend an edit to make it work for this list.

Maybe edit the voice to Lois's or change it to have her say, "Tell Clark:

Does that work better for you?

Or do we need this be Rule #1 of a new List. "How to be the Best Superman Ever" as compiled by Clark Kent's friends? (as this one could easily have been submitted by Martha.)

Gee, I didn't I want the guy to hurt himself is all.If changing something works-why not?

Although I prefer the humour in the original phrasing, the following phrasing would conform more to the other items on this list. Will it do?

69. Clark may confuse those little black box things with wires sticking out of them with fresh veggies. If so, remind him that they are explosive devices and he doesn't have to swallow them. Also remind him that it is not a good idea to sit on one - an explosive device or fresh veggies.

Joy,
Lynn

edit: I see Virginia beat me to the punch, and her version is closer to the original than mine. (Although I must admit that when I first read the rule, I heard Martha's voice, rather than Lois', giving that advice.)

Rule #70 - Remind Clark he needs to take a day off every once in a while.
- Ways to distract Clark into taking a day off from his Super duties:
#70a - take off a day from work yourself (Take a deep breath. It's okay; you can do this. The world probably won't end),
#70b - go with him to a deserted island and bet him he can't use his powers for the day,
#70c - marry him,
#70d - visit Smallville,
#70e - rent a harem costume

Rule # 71 - It takes a lot for Clark to have a bad day. His bad days tend to be worse than everyone else’s.
71a - Make sure you remind him that it's not his fault when someone dies.
71b - Stay with him. He really doesn't want to be alone, even if he says he does.
71c - Hold him until he feels better.

Rule #72 - If Clark (or Superman) seems not to care anymore, check surrounding area for red glowing rocks.
#72a - See Rule #65.

#73 - Clark Kent may be a mild-mannered reporter, but that doesn't mean he'll allow you to walk all over him...(at least, not all of the time).

#74 - If you ever steal his story, he *will* get even. And you will not enjoy it. See #73.

#75 - Before condemming him for keeping secrets from you, walk...err fly...a mile in his shoes. A red Kryptonite laser will do the trick.

#76 - It's best if you keep Dr. Klein on speed dial.

#77 - When told that you are incompatiable for reproduction (and you both get a serious case of sadness), remember and remind Clark that Superman's descendants will found Utopia. Even super smart scientists can be wrong!

#78 - Keep an eye on Clark. He has a knack for getting in trouble when his powers are lost (for various reasons.)

#79 - Green glowing gems are never a good fashion choice.

#80 - Lois, don't bother bringing your own coffee to work anymore. Once Clark learns your preferences (read: the first time he sees you make/order a cup), he will always have a cup waiting for you.

#81 - Pretending to be a married couple and shacking up in the Lexor's Honeymoon Suite can be more fun that you ever dreamed possible.
#81a - It will be more fun if you decide to share the very large bed.
#81b - He *is* Superman, and *will* hear you if you decide to sleep in the bluff.

#82 - Clark will allow you to crash at his apartment any time, day or night, regardless of if you are too tired to go home or if some lunatic is trying to kill you. Feel free to take advantage.

#83 - The only thing deadlier to Clark than Kryptonite is you. Please handle his heart with care. It's extremely fragile, even if he is totally, physically invulnerable.

#84 - It sounds like a movie cliche, but in the case of Clark, a sneeze really *is* a sign of a terminal disease. Feel free to call in the big guns - your father.

Rule #85 - Clark is a good dancer, whether ballroom, the two-step, or country line-dancing; therefore, if he invites you to dance, the answer should always be "yes".
#85a - He also has a style of dancing that's all his own.

#86 - Clark is highly vulnerable to magic.
#86a - Keep away from hypnotists.
#86b - Keep away from illusionists.
#86c - Keep away from anyone who knows anything about magic. You just never know what might happen.

#87 - Clark speaks 347 different languages. Lois Lane is not one of them, especially in the beginning. You may have to spell things out for him.

Rule #88 - Just because every blonde in the universe (and at least one other brunette) is attracted to Clark, doesn't mean he's interested them. Once he meets you, he'll never be able to look at another woman that way again... even if it seems to you he is.

To all the contributors to this list:

Just wanted to let you know that Lois Lane 101 Handbook posted today on the Archives and we've already gotten a 2 thumbs up review from a reader. She's begging for the Clark List to be finished and submitted soon. We better get cracking!

Okay, we left off on #88. Who has a #89?

#89 Ask Martha to show you the rejected outfits, you'll be thanking your lucky stars that he went with the one he did.

Does anyone have a good way to make this less about the outfits and more about Clark?

What if Lois were to ask Clark directly if there was one thing he would change about the outfit? Or something like that. Maybe... If Clark could change his uniform would he? Ooooh. How about...

The next time Clark gripes about some aspect of his uniform remind him of how much worse it could have been.

Does that work?

That works (I suppose if there are notes in the margins by Johnathan or Clark the original sentiment would definitely make sense.)

90. Don't worry; it's not just you -- *No one's* cooking is as good as his Mom's.*

*All right, maybe it is her, too, but there's no reason to tell her that!

Joy,
Lynn

#91 Be aware of lightening storms and rescues.
#91a consequences include being accused of having a child he does not have and a superpowered person interested in making money with them.

#92 Be aware of any and all glowing red rocks. Wrap all in lead and transport them to Dr. Klein's facilities immediately for research for a cure and disposal
#92a see rule #s 11, 28, 65 and 72

Only 9 more to go! *topics that I don't know have been references include "Just Say Noah and The Corn Festival"

#93: Clark loves waxing philosophical about his hometown roots. Let him even if it sounds hokey, it's part of who he is.

#94: If Clark wants to take you to the Corn Festival in Smallville, Kansas, let him. You may find yourself with Clark at his most "Clark."

#95: Be careful of sleep floating.
#95a: Consequences include destroyed pillows, broken bedframes, and falling Clarks.
#95b: you may or may not enjoy the "falling Clark" if you've been upset with him controlling your life (or breaking up with you for your own safety before taking it back.)

C'mon, we gotta have six more somewhere in there! I don't think anyone's mentioned the Toyman, "brainiac" or Myxy yet!

#96: Don't plan to go far away for your honeymoon - you won't get there anyway.

#97: Clark is not into bongo drums, swinging from chandeliers or man-eating Cats.
#97a: You really won't find him in Cat's Corner.

#98: Clark really is the most law-abiding citizen you will ever know.
#98a: This rule does not apply to the laws of physics.
#98b: His powers also tend to defy the laws of logic.
#98c: Of course, Clark will make an exception for breaking and entering - if you ask him nicely enough (or just plain drag him along).

#98d - This does not apply when his loved ones are in prison.

#98e: Nor does it apply when lives are at risk (i.e. when he steals Miranda's perfume bottle).

#98e2: Or Mentamide 5.

edit: BTW, LJK, re: 98, and especially the first two clarifications.

I'd like to add another item to 98, but I am blanking on the specifics: I recall Clark (as Superman) saying something to the effect of, "You harm one hair on Lois' head and watch how fast my morals vanish." I know that that isn't an exact quote, and I'm not sure whether it was said when Clark had threatened to let a villain drop from the top of a tall building and not catch him.

It's obviously been too long since I've watched the shows. Which episode(s) and situation(s) am I half-remembering?

Thanks,
Lynn

Sounds like two different episodes, Lynn. The dropping the criminal from the building was TOGoM (Dillinger)and the quote I think is from when Lois was arrested in "PvsLL", but I could be wrong. I know Clark says something like that to the district attorney, when they bring Lois back to jail, but it could also have been from that missing Tank written episode when Clark takes Lois to the hairdresser when they get back from Spencer's island.

Hi Virginia,

I couldn't find the line in PvLL, but thanks for the suggestion. And thank you for pointing out ToGOM had the drop-and-catch scene. I thought I had had the episode nearly memorized. I guess it's been a while since I wrote "That Old Clone of Mine," and I have started forgetting things. I guess that means it's time to re-watch the episode when I get the change.

Joy,
Lynn

This is the scene I was thinking of, which obviously isn't the one you were:

Hi Virginia,

Nope, that wasn't the one. The one I was thinking of had Superman threatening a bad guy who considers the threat to be an idle bluff because everyone knows of Superman's high moral standards. Superman then replied with something to the effect that if Lois were injured, "watch how quickly my moral code vanishes."

I'm still not remembering any more of the scene. But Clark was definitely in his Superman role when he said the line.

Thanks for trying, Virginia.

Joy,
Lynn

Hmmm...closest I can find is from Meet John Doe. I don't think it's the one you're looking for though.

Hi DC,

Thanks for checking. Unfortunately, that isn't the scene I had been thinking about, either.

Joy,
Lynn

You're welcome. I checked out some of the scripts I thought it might be, where Lois was threatened, but I couldn't find it either. Oh, wait, is it... No, not WoS, Ordinary People, Through a glass Darkly, Tempus Fugitive, Voice from the Past, AKA Superman, Meet John Doe, or GGGoH. I know the one you're talking about. It's like on the tip of my tongue. ARgh! With our luck, it's going to end up being one of those time when the script and the actual dialogue don't match.

#99: Clark is vulnerable to quantum guns, be aware of this and take any and all precautions. He will need time to recover, much longer than the time required to recover from kryptonite.

#100: If you happen to be his boss, do not ask about how he came upon his information in front of people not already aware and in on his secret.
#100a: You will find yourself making incorrect judgements in regards to his investigative articles if ignored.

#101 - Clark and time travel make for a very bad day, but at least you'll have some stories to tell.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by VirginiaR:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Lynn S. M.:
<strong> Nope, that wasn't the one. The one I was thinking of had Superman threatening a bad guy who considers the threat to be an idle bluff because everyone knows of Superman's high moral standards. Superman then replied with something to the effect that if Lois were injured, "watch how quickly my moral code vanishes."

I'm still not remembering any more of the scene. Michael

Just for the heck of it, here's the scene in TOGoM:

I like to see a goodie two shoes go off the deep end every once in a while. It's good for the soul. (Ok, now back to our regular programing)

Yay! We did it! 101 rules. Some time this week I'll try to put them into some shape and submit them to the archives. I fear I haven't a story to weave around them as Virginia did so well with Lois' list.

Virginia, I'm glad you remember also the scene I described; I was beginning to think that perhaps I was remembering something from Superman in another venue and translating it into the L&C-verse. Thanks for going through so many scripts. FWIW, I had checked DLW when I had looked through PvLL. Nada. If it was an ad lib or other deviation from the script, it was a brilliant one.

<Having just read Michael's contribution> Ah. Thank you. That would explain why my search of the scripts for "morals," "ethics," etc. did not find the scene.

Comes summer vacation, I will definitely try to re-watch the shows. Maybe that will also help energize my lethargic muse.

DC, thanks. That was definitely one of the two scenes I was remembering.

Joy,
Lynn

Yes, but it makes for a great fanfic.

We made it to 101!

Thanks, Lynn.

Lynn - No problem.

Virginia - I edited mine.

#101a - Stories to tell to each other, that is, because you'll not going to be able to share them with anyone else, except perhaps your pyscho therapist who doesn't believe you (or Clark) anyway.

101b - Also, your future kids/grandkids might. And even if they don't, you can use them as "made-up-on-the-spot bedtime stories."

Or Martha and Jonathan. They'll believe anything you two tell them; "strange" is their normal, almost as much as it is yours.

Joy,
Lynn

This list has been compiled and submitted to LabRat for the archives. I did take the liberty of doing some minor editing (e.g., making sure that the rules had a uniform look, correcting spelling errors, and an occasional tightening or clarification of wording).

Thanks to all who contributed to the list.

Joy,
Lynn

Very cool, Lynn! Thank you!