URGENT MESSAGE FROM THE NORTH POLE
TO: ALL CONCERNED
FROM: SANTA CLAUS
Effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern portion of the United States on Christmas Eve. Due to earth’s current overwhelming population my contract has been renegotiated.
Rest assured, southern children will be in good hands with your local replacement – Bubba Claus – who happens to be my third cousin. (Bubba’s side of the family is from the South Pole.) My cousin shares my goal of delivering toys to good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Please note:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”
2. Bubba Claus prefers RC colas and Moon pies to milk and cookies and he doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared coon dogs instead of reindeer, I once made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer; Blitzens’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen” from Bubba Claus. Instead you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty.
5. “Ho, ho, ho !” has been replaced by “Yee Haw !“
6. And finally, Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure your wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
